One of the few definitions for the word pendulum is "something that changes its position, attitude, etc fairly regularly". As a result, that word is an excellent word that perfectly describes something that has been plaguing my relationships as I know it. . .my mood swings. While all of my relationships have been affected, I will only discuss my most recent occurrences of my devil living within.
It seems as if my mood swings has been a topic of discussion quite frequently in the past week or so. The first time it came up I was skyping one of my little sisters, who I often affectionately call my daughter. We were discussing my "situation" with Calvin. She asked why we weren't gf/bf yet and I told her I didn't know. I knew I wasn't going to bring it up but I was ready. She asked if I had relayed that message to him, if he knew without a doubt that I liked him and wanted to be with him. Well he does, I answered. She asked if I was sure because as she put it "your mood swings can make you hard to read." I laughed it off and tried not to pay any attention to it. Just a couple of days later, I was in Atlanta catching up with one of my close friends and somehow she started talking about my mood swings as well. I forget exactly what was said or how it came up but I remember discussing it.
And just last night, Calvin and I had a talk about my mood swings. He told me that I was an emotional roller coaster and that he couldn't put up with it. Yes, I was in a mood so that made it even worse. What? Was he trying to end this (whatever this is) right then right there?!?! I became even more annoying and moody. It wasn't a good look. Then all I could think about was how he said he couldn't put up with who I am. It truly hurt my feelings since I really like this guy. I see the potential for a great relationship with him. I think we compliment each other well and everything. I had been sensitive, yes. My mood had changed, yes. But this was not how I planned to act for the rest of the night. He later told me that when I get like "that" I'm no fun to be around. (It's not the first time I heard that.) We went on with the night trying to act our normal selves but it wouldn't work. It was clear that I was thinking too much and it was obvious he wasn't enjoying himself with me. I wanted to go home right then and I should have. Too bad I didn't. We went to bed, without sex (which he turned down....and he never does that). I tried to cuddle during the night and he wouldn't let up. At one point I believe he pushed me away. Not a good look. I couldn't sleep at all. Around 5 am, I woke up. After trying to go back to sleep every 10 minutes, I decided to just leave his house at 6 am, which is about 30 minutes earlier than usual. I put my clothes on...went to kiss him goodbye and he would not move. He stuck his hand out and I tapped it. That was it....I won't see him again possibly until next Wednesday. He's going to his homecoming this weekend. And that's how we said goodbye!
So now I've been thinking about this whole thing. My mood swings. My emotions. My sensitivity. These are all some of my character traits that I absolutely can't stand about myself. Sometimes I do get in these funks and sulk. Sometimes I can be really rude and mean. Sometimes I don't feel like being bothered. But how can I continue to let these flaws affect my relationships so greatly!?!?! Those closest to me have learned to just not say anything when I am going through my moods. They stay away and don't take it personal.
While these are some of my character flaws, I will say that I am generally happy 98% of the time. It's that 2% that's just so volatile that many can't and choose not to put up with. I really wish I could control these emotions....at least long enough for Calvin to learn me better and realize that they aren't who I am. I wish that I could rid myself of the pendulum moods. They have affected way too many relationships and I'm sick of it. Please someone help me before I lose a good thing.
~Romantiful
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
THE "Title"- - -
Though I've never been much of a Ciara fan, I can say that there are some songs that get me every time. Her first album wasn't too bad and as a college freshman it seemed as if most of the songs could relate to something in some way or another. That being said, I have been recently thinking of one song in particular that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's called "The Title". The chorus goes like this "I want the title/
I wanna be known as your girl/ I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend/ So let a girl come in your world/ I wanna be your lady." Then, I used to spend a lot of time singing it to my then on and off again boyfriend who conveniently went to school in Ithaca while I was in Atlanta. Looking back on it, it made absolutely no sense why I would want him to be my boyfriend. We were both two college freshmen in two totally different cities living two absolutely different lives. But I was lovestruck and nothing made me happier than knowing that he was all mine. That's what I thought the title would guarantee....that he'd never cheat or flirt and that even though we'd only see each other twice a year that he'd manage to claim me at all times. Dumb! Just dumb I tell you.
Six years later and twenty years wiser, I realize that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. So that brings me to my reason for writing this post. I've been seeing Calvin for almost six months now. We've been dating since the Wednesday after we met and we haven't stopped since. We've pretty much talked on the phone everyday except for the small drought that we experienced during my birthday weekend.He was being a complete dick. Yet and still, that was a mere day and a half of not speaking in some way. Nothing major like a week or two. We've seen each other at least two times a week. It's been more frequent recently though. I introduced him to my family Labor Day weekend, which was no small feat for me. We actually spent all of Labor Day weekend together. We learned so much about each other that weekend on top of learning that we could spend countless hours together without sex and not get sick of each other. Amazing! Last weekend we took a trip to Niagara Falls. It was my first trip with a boy. (Yes, I do realize that I am a late bloomer in all things love but please excuse my tardiness.) So now we've spent two weekends together. We've met each other's families. We plan events ahead of time. We date weekly. We talk daily. We email everyday, all day...literally. However, this guy is NOT my boyfriend. I have no title. I technically can't get mad if he dates other girls and vice versa. We have no obligation to each other.
So what's the problem you ask?!?! You might say "But Romantiful, you get the perks without the commitment so if he messes up one day you can just go out with someone else. No hard feelings." WRONG! I would have hard feelings. I like this boy. A lot. It kind of sickens me because in my heart of hearts I wish I were able to multi-task with men. I can't. My heart is made to like only one male at a time. It's hard enough for me to date multiple people in the beginning but to be damn near 6 months in with one and 1 month in with another I just can't do. Actually, I don't understand how anyone could. If you are still frequently talking to and dating one person after six months, then how can you date others? Feelings have emerged.
At this point in my life, I have to really think about relationships before I set foot in one. I won't even date a guy if I couldn't see us getting married. It's kind of like what's the point. I don't need you to be my sponsor. If I'm dating you, it's because at some point I want to have a family and build an effective long-lasting relationship and you just might be my suitor. So for me, relationships are the means of helping me figure out if myself and this person could last long term. I want the commitment to see if given no distractions could you stay faithful to me while continuing to make me happy and laugh and still accomplish your goals too. It's a huge feat. That's why after college, relationships are not something to play with. It's no longer about me giving you a title because it looks good....it's about how it feels. Are you happy with this person? Does this person have most of the attributes you want? Will this person steadily seek to improve his or herself while helping you grow as well? It's deep man! And I'm just trying not to drown. LOL! ha ha
Anyway, all that to say, I think I'm ready for a title from Calvin. I like him. A lot. (Though I think I told you that already. lmao) I've thought about us and where we could be and that alone makes me happy. We're similar but yet different. We have enough to bring to the table and room to learn. He possesses most of the qualities I'd like in a potential mate. He's God-fearing, intelligent, handsome, hilarious, witty, physically fit, emotionally sound, financially savvy, private but still open, understanding, knowledgeable, loves to travel and has no problems doing what it takes to make me happy. I really couldn't ask for anything else.(Except I'd probably ask him to cut the sarcastic remarks when I'm trying to be serious.) So I've analyzed all of this in the past couple of days and now I'm at the point where I don't want to share him with anyone else. I want him all to myself. I want to see where this thing will take us. I have a positive feeling about this one. I'm just hoping he feels the same way.
~Romantiful
P.S. I know I like him a lot because my Homecoming is coming up next weekend and I have no thoughts or intentions on messing with any other guys. NONE! Crazy...I know.
I wanna be known as your girl/ I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend/ So let a girl come in your world/ I wanna be your lady." Then, I used to spend a lot of time singing it to my then on and off again boyfriend who conveniently went to school in Ithaca while I was in Atlanta. Looking back on it, it made absolutely no sense why I would want him to be my boyfriend. We were both two college freshmen in two totally different cities living two absolutely different lives. But I was lovestruck and nothing made me happier than knowing that he was all mine. That's what I thought the title would guarantee....that he'd never cheat or flirt and that even though we'd only see each other twice a year that he'd manage to claim me at all times. Dumb! Just dumb I tell you.
Six years later and twenty years wiser, I realize that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. So that brings me to my reason for writing this post. I've been seeing Calvin for almost six months now. We've been dating since the Wednesday after we met and we haven't stopped since. We've pretty much talked on the phone everyday except for the small drought that we experienced during my birthday weekend.
So what's the problem you ask?!?! You might say "But Romantiful, you get the perks without the commitment so if he messes up one day you can just go out with someone else. No hard feelings." WRONG! I would have hard feelings. I like this boy. A lot. It kind of sickens me because in my heart of hearts I wish I were able to multi-task with men. I can't. My heart is made to like only one male at a time. It's hard enough for me to date multiple people in the beginning but to be damn near 6 months in with one and 1 month in with another I just can't do. Actually, I don't understand how anyone could. If you are still frequently talking to and dating one person after six months, then how can you date others? Feelings have emerged.
At this point in my life, I have to really think about relationships before I set foot in one. I won't even date a guy if I couldn't see us getting married. It's kind of like what's the point. I don't need you to be my sponsor. If I'm dating you, it's because at some point I want to have a family and build an effective long-lasting relationship and you just might be my suitor. So for me, relationships are the means of helping me figure out if myself and this person could last long term. I want the commitment to see if given no distractions could you stay faithful to me while continuing to make me happy and laugh and still accomplish your goals too. It's a huge feat. That's why after college, relationships are not something to play with. It's no longer about me giving you a title because it looks good....it's about how it feels. Are you happy with this person? Does this person have most of the attributes you want? Will this person steadily seek to improve his or herself while helping you grow as well? It's deep man! And I'm just trying not to drown. LOL! ha ha
Anyway, all that to say, I think I'm ready for a title from Calvin. I like him. A lot. (Though I think I told you that already. lmao) I've thought about us and where we could be and that alone makes me happy. We're similar but yet different. We have enough to bring to the table and room to learn. He possesses most of the qualities I'd like in a potential mate. He's God-fearing, intelligent, handsome, hilarious, witty, physically fit, emotionally sound, financially savvy, private but still open, understanding, knowledgeable, loves to travel and has no problems doing what it takes to make me happy. I really couldn't ask for anything else.
~Romantiful
P.S. I know I like him a lot because my Homecoming is coming up next weekend and I have no thoughts or intentions on messing with any other guys. NONE! Crazy...I know.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A Month of Love
It's been forever since I've updated this thing. There's been so much going on that I just haven't had the time. BUT I'M BACK SNITCHES!!!!! There's just so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. So since I'm at work, I have to keep it short and I'll update you on the most pressing news.
Remember my post about Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate"??? In that post, I said "I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged. :-/ " Ironically enough, even though I hadn't talked to him in a minute I still could sense that something was up. I later saw pictures of his then girlfriend (now fiance') on facebook flashing her ring in her profile picture. When I initially saw it, I was distraught. I cried for at least an hour. I was very very very depressed. Was it true??? Were they really engaged??? Or was she the type to just wear a ring on that finger on THAT hand???? I needed answers SO. . .I called him. He and I talked a few times that day. Eventually I asked him about this potential engagement. I lied and said I had dreamed about it.I didn't want him to know I was a facebook stalker. He laughed and said "If I were engaged, you'd be one of the first people I'd tell." I'm usually good at picking up on bull crap but this time it slipped my radar. Maybe I just wanted to believe that he didn't actually love her and they couldn't actually be together...FOREVER!
Lo and behold, not too long after that I saw she changed her relationship status to "ENGAGED"....on facebook, any relationship status other than single warrants some excessive comments. I went through the pictures and of course....I should have known....this negro lied to me! They were indeed engaged and had been so since the beginning of August! Amazing! I had become so jaded by this man that I believed everything he told me.
Instead of moping about it, I decided it was time to release him from my life so I sent him an email entitled "Last Contact". The email simply said,
I wanted to respond to the stalker thing but that would have been too easy. So on another note, at least we're done with that. I hope he does change his life around. I don't know her but I do know that any woman that stands by a guy like that deserves the best. I truly do wish them nothing but eternal bliss and happiness to get them through the roughest of days.
Coincidentally enough, I don't feel like I thought I would feel as described in my previous post. I'm actually quite glad he and I didn't work out. I deserve better. He can be a great guy but I was definitely making excuses for him and his actions, attempting to make his situation work for me. I've learned that when it's my time, it's my time. In the meantime, I will play, frolic and enjoy this emotional rollercoaster called love.
~Romantiful
Remember my post about Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate"??? In that post, I said "I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged. :-/ " Ironically enough, even though I hadn't talked to him in a minute I still could sense that something was up. I later saw pictures of his then girlfriend (now fiance') on facebook flashing her ring in her profile picture. When I initially saw it, I was distraught. I cried for at least an hour. I was very very very depressed. Was it true??? Were they really engaged??? Or was she the type to just wear a ring on that finger on THAT hand???? I needed answers SO. . .I called him. He and I talked a few times that day. Eventually I asked him about this potential engagement. I lied and said I had dreamed about it.
Lo and behold, not too long after that I saw she changed her relationship status to "ENGAGED"....on facebook, any relationship status other than single warrants some excessive comments. I went through the pictures and of course....I should have known....this negro lied to me! They were indeed engaged and had been so since the beginning of August! Amazing! I had become so jaded by this man that I believed everything he told me.
Instead of moping about it, I decided it was time to release him from my life so I sent him an email entitled "Last Contact". The email simply said,
"I hope this email finds you well. I want you to know that the world is so small and with the addition of social networking it's at least ten times smaller. As I was browsing facebook at work, (insert gf's name here)'s page came up because we have a few mutual friends. Though I usually ignore such things because I don't usually know the person (or if I do, I'd rather not add them in the first place), I decided to click on her name. I was able to view her profile pics and it looks like you've been engaged since at least August. Wow. What a contradictory statement to the one you made when I asked you if you were a little while ago. I also sent you a text about this but you didn't respond...go figure. However, today I will be deleting numbers from my phone and yours is one of them. It was fun while it lasted. I can't say that I have any regrets. Well, maybe. . .I probably would have cut it off like I anticipated back in January. I was so stupid about the whole thing. Oh well....you live and you learn. It looks like I served as a means of letting you know that she's the one for you. I'd be interested in knowing how you came to that decision. How did you realize you finally wanted to get married? How did you propose? You know....all that jazz. I wish to know these things simply because I'm a romantic and any love story is interesting to me.I felt good after sending this email. I had released myself of any feelings I still had for this man. I didn't even anticipate an email back. I thought maybe. . .just maybe he might feel like a douche bag and not respond. Fooled me. He replied and it said,
Although I'm interested, I do question the validity of the whole thing. Initially, I had thoughts of sending her pics and texts you sent so that she'd know that you weren't all you said you were. But those are just extreme thoughts that I would never turn into actions since I respect you. Plus, I don't believe if I sent her something she'd believe me or want to leave you. Additionally, getting married is probably one of the best decisions you could make. I'd hope you'd respect the institution of marriage set forth by God and His church so much so as to never engage in the cheating behaviors you have so repeatedly done in the past.
All in all, I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors and your life pursuits. I wish we could have continued our friendship but maybe we'll catch up at some random place 50 years down the line...just to say hello. Congratulations on everything. It's been real."
I wanted to respond to the stalker thing but that would have been too easy. So on another note, at least we're done with that. I hope he does change his life around. I don't know her but I do know that any woman that stands by a guy like that deserves the best. I truly do wish them nothing but eternal bliss and happiness to get them through the roughest of days.
"Hey there
Actually it was in mid August. Maybe right before the last time I spoke to you. I was going to tell then, but . . . . .I don't know. When you sent the text, I think we were out of town. But this is definatlly for the best. I was feeling like I was spreading myself thin. No need in going into a long explaination. We've been through this many times before. However, I don't think you give me enough credit for my analytical thinking or reasoning. I wouldn't enter into something this with the intent of entertainig another (insert my age and alma mater here) grad. I still say that our timing sucked. NO regrets. I still think you are an amazing young woman (a bit of a stalker no less). So yeah, good luck on everything. You deserve the best."
Coincidentally enough, I don't feel like I thought I would feel as described in my previous post. I'm actually quite glad he and I didn't work out. I deserve better. He can be a great guy but I was definitely making excuses for him and his actions, attempting to make his situation work for me. I've learned that when it's my time, it's my time. In the meantime, I will play, frolic and enjoy this emotional rollercoaster called love.
~Romantiful
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sensitivity- - -
Yesterday was Calvin and I's date night. We didn't really go out, per se, but we did see each other. Since Calvin has an extreme case of sarcasm (which is often interpreted as rude), I bet him the day before that he could not go 24 hours with saying one sarcastic thing to me. We talked throughout the work day via bbm and he seemed so sensitive and compassionate, both traits that dominate my personality. I really enjoyed the day without his sarcasm. Although, at times, I missed the variety it added to the conversation. I would try to trap him with a super smart comment and all he would reply was a simple okay and not say anything at all. Cool. I guess. No fun though. Regardless of this, it was a good day emotionally for me. He couldn't use his sarcasm as a disguise of his true feelings and I appreciated the day of honesty that came with it.
The bet was that if he didn't say one sarcastic thing to me I had to do 50 push ups for him. (Now I know that sounds like nothing BUT it's a lot for me. There are two exercises I completely hate, running and push ups. It's because I don't do either well. My boobs are too big to enjoy running and my upper body is too weak to enjoy push ups.) He's often teased me for having such little arms and constantly tells me to do push ups. I showed him once what my push up looked like, he laughed and called it pitiful. No harm, no foul. They are pitiful. I shy away from them as a result. So when he said 50 push ups, that sounded like torture for me. On the other hand, if I won then he would have to cook for me.
I lost. :-( So yesterday he told me to come over in my workout gear. Fine. I get there ready to do 50 push ups and then he starts telling me other stuff to do. He said he wanted to "warm (me) up." HA! Needless to say, I did my part and some. In the end, we both did the last 25 push ups together and some ab work. It was great. Then we went to watch Kevin Hart. We laughed. We enjoyed each other but it was starting to get late. He said "So are you spending the night or what?" I said "No." He said "Fine then leave. It's past my bedtime." Now all of this was in his normal sarcastic/rude ass tone so I didn't take him that serious. I stayed for another half hour before he told me he was sleepy. Then I said I'd stay and he said "No leave. You don't want to be here. It's fine. Just go." So what'd I do?! I put my shoes on and walked towards the door. He asked for a hug and I walked up to him without extended arms and he said "What's wrong with you?" I said "You're kicking me out." (This is a scene we've been through before.) After an exchange of words, he said "You're such a girl. You're so damn sensitive. You are a girly-girl. I never date girly-girls. I guess I have to get used to it." My heart smiled a bit and I said "Why do you have to get used to it?" He rolled his eyes and said "Ok guess not." I smacked my lips and turned around to walk out. He grabbed me, made a deep sigh and said "Because you're the girl that I'm dealing with. You're just so sensitive." I said "Is that a bad thing? People change." He said "People rarely change especially not for someone else. If people change it's because they want to." I said "So is that a bad thing? Is my sensitivity a bad thing?" He said "Listen, it's late. I'm not going into that conversation with you. Goodnight." I turned around and walked my sensitive ass to my car.
So the thing is...he and I had a similar conversation about my sensitivity before when we attempted to lay out what we want from each other. He said he wanted me to be "less mushy, less analytical and less sensitive." Anyone who knows me knows that all of those characteristics define who I am. I am an emotional, over-analytical, romantically sensitive sap. I am the definition of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I would go great lengths to please the people I love. I care very much about making people happy. Every now and again I like to feel appreciated and loved. I want you to not only show that but tell me. If you don't, I start to over-analyze. I start questioning everything that has been done or said. If you know anything about Cancers, I am one in every sense of the word. Taken from iloveindia.com, "When in love, she will be tender, womanly, timid and modest. She dislikes criticisms, can't stand rejection and gets deeply hurt by harsh words. Too much aggressiveness on your part may make her a little hesitant." This is who I am. I would be more than happy to change it IF I saw a problem with it. I must admit that I used to have issues with my sensitivity. I tried so hard to conceal it. I wouldn't let anyone close to me for fear of being too vulnerable. In some ways I'm still like that. I use sarcasm and laughter as my shell. So on the surface, I can come across as a bit cold, very sarcastic sometimes a tad bitchy. That was my way of changing it. I'm either overly sensitive or overly sarcastic.
He knows this. He knew it from the first time we met. We had a conversation that next day on the phone and he told me then that he could tell I was using my sarcasm as a shell. As far as he could see, I was nothing but mush on the inside. Well, sir, I'm pretty consistent. He just knows me more now so that "mush" is shown and when my sarcasm is used he says I'm being a jerk or an asshole. So how can I win? Is there a such thing as being too sensitive? I'm not insecure so I don't think I'm too sensitive. I just don't respond well to harsh remarks, criticisms or rejection. Don't do those things and I won't be so sensitive. Now how do I communicate this with him. I don't want to give him my weak points. LOL. I don't think he'll use them against me later; I just rather not expose myself so much. haha.
Oh and I forgot to tell you. I think he's as sensitive as me. The only difference is he has mastered the art of concealing it. He dates girls who are not mushes which helps him conceal it even more. It is my belief that you can not read a person as well as he's read me unless you are like them or you've been with someone who was. Since he hasn't dated a girl like me, his words not mine, it's safe to assume the former. I think he's scared of showing his sensitivity. However, if he does, that might lead to a very intense relationship, which could be good or bad. But knowing us, I'm thinking it'll be nothing but good. We would learn a couple of things from each other, sort of like balancing it all out. Now how do I relay this information to him? Be mindful that he is a very dominant, mysterious male (He's a Scorpio, btw) that doesn't like to be exposed or not be in charge. Go Figure. lol
SO WHAT DO I DO???
~Romantifully Sensitive :-(
The bet was that if he didn't say one sarcastic thing to me I had to do 50 push ups for him. (Now I know that sounds like nothing BUT it's a lot for me. There are two exercises I completely hate, running and push ups. It's because I don't do either well. My boobs are too big to enjoy running and my upper body is too weak to enjoy push ups.) He's often teased me for having such little arms and constantly tells me to do push ups. I showed him once what my push up looked like, he laughed and called it pitiful. No harm, no foul. They are pitiful. I shy away from them as a result. So when he said 50 push ups, that sounded like torture for me. On the other hand, if I won then he would have to cook for me.
I lost. :-( So yesterday he told me to come over in my workout gear. Fine. I get there ready to do 50 push ups and then he starts telling me other stuff to do. He said he wanted to "warm (me) up." HA! Needless to say, I did my part and some. In the end, we both did the last 25 push ups together and some ab work. It was great. Then we went to watch Kevin Hart. We laughed. We enjoyed each other but it was starting to get late. He said "So are you spending the night or what?" I said "No." He said "Fine then leave. It's past my bedtime." Now all of this was in his normal sarcastic/rude ass tone so I didn't take him that serious. I stayed for another half hour before he told me he was sleepy. Then I said I'd stay and he said "No leave. You don't want to be here. It's fine. Just go." So what'd I do?! I put my shoes on and walked towards the door. He asked for a hug and I walked up to him without extended arms and he said "What's wrong with you?" I said "You're kicking me out." (This is a scene we've been through before.) After an exchange of words, he said "You're such a girl. You're so damn sensitive. You are a girly-girl. I never date girly-girls. I guess I have to get used to it." My heart smiled a bit and I said "Why do you have to get used to it?" He rolled his eyes and said "Ok guess not." I smacked my lips and turned around to walk out. He grabbed me, made a deep sigh and said "Because you're the girl that I'm dealing with. You're just so sensitive." I said "Is that a bad thing? People change." He said "People rarely change especially not for someone else. If people change it's because they want to." I said "So is that a bad thing? Is my sensitivity a bad thing?" He said "Listen, it's late. I'm not going into that conversation with you. Goodnight." I turned around and walked my sensitive ass to my car.
So the thing is...he and I had a similar conversation about my sensitivity before when we attempted to lay out what we want from each other. He said he wanted me to be "less mushy, less analytical and less sensitive." Anyone who knows me knows that all of those characteristics define who I am. I am an emotional, over-analytical, romantically sensitive sap. I am the definition of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I would go great lengths to please the people I love. I care very much about making people happy. Every now and again I like to feel appreciated and loved. I want you to not only show that but tell me. If you don't, I start to over-analyze. I start questioning everything that has been done or said. If you know anything about Cancers, I am one in every sense of the word. Taken from iloveindia.com, "When in love, she will be tender, womanly, timid and modest. She dislikes criticisms, can't stand rejection and gets deeply hurt by harsh words. Too much aggressiveness on your part may make her a little hesitant." This is who I am. I would be more than happy to change it IF I saw a problem with it. I must admit that I used to have issues with my sensitivity. I tried so hard to conceal it. I wouldn't let anyone close to me for fear of being too vulnerable. In some ways I'm still like that. I use sarcasm and laughter as my shell. So on the surface, I can come across as a bit cold, very sarcastic sometimes a tad bitchy. That was my way of changing it. I'm either overly sensitive or overly sarcastic.
He knows this. He knew it from the first time we met. We had a conversation that next day on the phone and he told me then that he could tell I was using my sarcasm as a shell. As far as he could see, I was nothing but mush on the inside. Well, sir, I'm pretty consistent. He just knows me more now so that "mush" is shown and when my sarcasm is used he says I'm being a jerk or an asshole. So how can I win? Is there a such thing as being too sensitive? I'm not insecure so I don't think I'm too sensitive. I just don't respond well to harsh remarks, criticisms or rejection. Don't do those things and I won't be so sensitive. Now how do I communicate this with him. I don't want to give him my weak points. LOL. I don't think he'll use them against me later; I just rather not expose myself so much. haha.
Oh and I forgot to tell you. I think he's as sensitive as me. The only difference is he has mastered the art of concealing it. He dates girls who are not mushes which helps him conceal it even more. It is my belief that you can not read a person as well as he's read me unless you are like them or you've been with someone who was. Since he hasn't dated a girl like me, his words not mine, it's safe to assume the former. I think he's scared of showing his sensitivity. However, if he does, that might lead to a very intense relationship, which could be good or bad. But knowing us, I'm thinking it'll be nothing but good. We would learn a couple of things from each other, sort of like balancing it all out. Now how do I relay this information to him? Be mindful that he is a very dominant, mysterious male (He's a Scorpio, btw) that doesn't like to be exposed or not be in charge. Go Figure. lol
SO WHAT DO I DO???
~Romantifully Sensitive :-(
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Social Experiment---
So it's been a couple of days since I've had a chance to write on this thing BUT I'm back itches!!!! lol I'll give you a brief update on all that happened since the last post. As I informed you, I decided to cut my phone off for a day. (It turned out to be about 30 hrs.) It was a crazy busy day at work so I didn't think about it too much. I definitely thought I was going to have problems since it was a Friday night but I didn't. I merely stayed at home and enjoyed myself...fully. I even wrote a new personal statement! (YAY ME!)
Anyway, when I finally did turn my phone on, I had a host of texts, bbms and voicemails. Most of them were from the very boys I said would not care, ESPECIALLY Calvin. He and I usually communicate via bbm. He never leaves voicemails or sends text messages. He not only sent bbms but left text messages. Since he sent a text that said "what's going on? where r u?", I assumed he called at some point of the day. When I finally responded to his messages, I could tell from his tone (even over bbm) that he was upset. In fact, he kept giving me one word answers until I decided that the 'tude he was giving was not okay. So I called him....we played phone tag for a second...then we finally talked....AMAZING! He clearly missed me. He not only said that but told me he had tried to call several times because he needed my advice. THAT in itself means a lot since he's alpha male and takes advice from no one. He wanted my help on telling his best friend "bye". He wanted me to tell him it'd be okay and soon enough they would be reunited. He said he asked his sisters and mom but he would have preferred to hear my opinion. And that ladies and gentlemen was the deal breaker. He also invited me to a social gathering that his friends were having. I went by myself and oddly enough had a great time being there "with" him. We drank, we laughed, we talked and he showed constant displays of affection. His friends would reference him as my man. A couple of times I shunned them for saying such but then they'd look at me with the "how dare you play him like that" look. Then we left and went back to his house. We talked and went to sleep, like two old married adults who just came home from a night on the town. We were so beat. We didn't even kiss. It's fine though. I just enjoy being in his presence. He has taken over the number one spot yet again. I won't tell him that this time though since last time he took it to his head and neglected me a bit. (ha ha) He seems to be more interested now than ever and I love it! I'm just enjoying the moment with this one. This is probably the best idea I had yet. LMAO.
Anyway, there are other people that called and texted but none worth mentioning really. There was that one boy who sent me the skype and twitter dm but I realized once I got his texts that we could never talk so no need to acknowledge that. Back to Calvin. . . (proceeds to daydream)
~Romantifully yours
Anyway, when I finally did turn my phone on, I had a host of texts, bbms and voicemails. Most of them were from the very boys I said would not care, ESPECIALLY Calvin. He and I usually communicate via bbm. He never leaves voicemails or sends text messages. He not only sent bbms but left text messages. Since he sent a text that said "what's going on? where r u?", I assumed he called at some point of the day. When I finally responded to his messages, I could tell from his tone (even over bbm) that he was upset. In fact, he kept giving me one word answers until I decided that the 'tude he was giving was not okay. So I called him....we played phone tag for a second...then we finally talked....AMAZING! He clearly missed me. He not only said that but told me he had tried to call several times because he needed my advice. THAT in itself means a lot since he's alpha male and takes advice from no one. He wanted my help on telling his best friend "bye". He wanted me to tell him it'd be okay and soon enough they would be reunited. He said he asked his sisters and mom but he would have preferred to hear my opinion. And that ladies and gentlemen was the deal breaker. He also invited me to a social gathering that his friends were having. I went by myself and oddly enough had a great time being there "with" him. We drank, we laughed, we talked and he showed constant displays of affection. His friends would reference him as my man. A couple of times I shunned them for saying such but then they'd look at me with the "how dare you play him like that" look. Then we left and went back to his house. We talked and went to sleep, like two old married adults who just came home from a night on the town. We were so beat. We didn't even kiss. It's fine though. I just enjoy being in his presence. He has taken over the number one spot yet again. I won't tell him that this time though since last time he took it to his head and neglected me a bit. (ha ha) He seems to be more interested now than ever and I love it! I'm just enjoying the moment with this one. This is probably the best idea I had yet. LMAO.
Anyway, there are other people that called and texted but none worth mentioning really. There was that one boy who sent me the skype and twitter dm but I realized once I got his texts that we could never talk so no need to acknowledge that. Back to Calvin. . . (proceeds to daydream)
~Romantifully yours
Friday, August 20, 2010
GPS Trackers and Fashion Statements---
I was just standing in the mirror dancing (yes, I do that often...in fact, I do it clothed or naked. I love me!) and I came up with an ingenious quotation. It came shortly after I finished this month's Glamour magazine with J.Lo on the cover. Ironically enough, her new CD is called "Love?" and she herself has experienced some VERY public bouts of love. Anyway, my thought was "Love is like a great outfit. You are always happy you found it and you fill good in it but when you're not in it you're constantly looking for it. You rarely settle until you find the right one. Additionally, you always go back to that great outfit, at least until you find one better." Ingenious right?!?! I think so....it's a thought that combines two of my favorite things, love and fashion. AH-MAZING....That quote gives me an orgasm...lol...ok, I'm hyping it but still. (Sidenote, I just thought of an addendum to that quote... "Facebook always ruins it.") HAHA!
Seriously, you're probably wondering how this relates to the title. Don't worry. I'll tell you.
So yesterday, my phone was the jump-off spot. I spent my day texting Calvin "Mr. Just Like Me"...he seemed to be feeling me kind of tough from our movie date the night before. He was not being his sarcastically jerk self...he said some very cute mushy things, which is not him at all. It really made my heart smile. I also received a text during the day from a new guy that I met a month ago that said something about him missing me a lot. He followed it up with a text that explained he didn't understand why he missed me so since we hadn't spent much time together or talked that often. (This guy is also aware of my situation with Calvin. The most intimate he and I have ever been was sitting in my car one night listening to slow songs and talking...no exchanging of touches or saliva.) Then there were the two missed calls I received while I took my nap. One from Keith "Mr. Not Ever", who always leaves a voicemail, and the other from Xavier "Mr. You're My Little Secret". I returned both calls; Keith answered, of course, and Xavier didn't. Then after I abruptly ended my boring ass conversation with Keith, I got on gchat. Then my high school sweetheart sent me a video chat. We talked for a good hour. THEN, I talked to Eugene "Mr. Got It Together" before I went to bed.
It was a LOT! As a result, I decided to turn my phone off for the day (per the request of my dear friend Dreezy "Mr. 'I forgot your name'" LOL.) It's been a rewarding feeling knowing I am not tied to my phone or any person. I'm living the single life so I don't owe anyone any excuses. We'll see if anyone's "disappointed" from my actions today. It's a bold move since it's Friday and most people don't do such things over the weekend. Whatever. I'm enjoying it. (This whole paragraph isn't necessary....it's just a prelude to my next post. So remember this.)
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. One of my dear friends and I have often joked that men must put some kind of GPS tracker into girls they really like. It seems as if just as that girl starts to move onto the next one, he starts calling and questioning---showing extreme bouts of interest. It ALWAYS throws me off. It happens way to often for me. Yesterday's phone fiascoes occur more than once every blue moon. My phone blows up when I'm happily involved with someone else. Guys from my past call with stories about "missing" me, how we could be so happy together or how great of a person I am. Thanks guys but I've moved on SUCKAS! *sticks out tongue and shakes fanny*
As I was dancing in the mirror, it all made sense. I seem to be that great outfit these guys aren't ready to hang up or give away. Sometimes, boys, you have to give up certain clothes. You outgrow them. They aren't in season. (Since I'm a classic, I'm always in season. haha) There's a better outfit out there for you, for the occasion.
Debug the GPS trackers. Hang up the outfit that once worked. Let go.
~Romantiful
Seriously, you're probably wondering how this relates to the title. Don't worry. I'll tell you.
So yesterday, my phone was the jump-off spot. I spent my day texting Calvin "Mr. Just Like Me"...he seemed to be feeling me kind of tough from our movie date the night before. He was not being his sarcastically jerk self...he said some very cute mushy things, which is not him at all. It really made my heart smile. I also received a text during the day from a new guy that I met a month ago that said something about him missing me a lot. He followed it up with a text that explained he didn't understand why he missed me so since we hadn't spent much time together or talked that often. (This guy is also aware of my situation with Calvin. The most intimate he and I have ever been was sitting in my car one night listening to slow songs and talking...no exchanging of touches or saliva.) Then there were the two missed calls I received while I took my nap. One from Keith "Mr. Not Ever", who always leaves a voicemail, and the other from Xavier "Mr. You're My Little Secret". I returned both calls; Keith answered, of course, and Xavier didn't. Then after I abruptly ended my boring ass conversation with Keith, I got on gchat. Then my high school sweetheart sent me a video chat. We talked for a good hour. THEN, I talked to Eugene "Mr. Got It Together" before I went to bed.
It was a LOT! As a result, I decided to turn my phone off for the day (per the request of my dear friend Dreezy "Mr. 'I forgot your name'" LOL.) It's been a rewarding feeling knowing I am not tied to my phone or any person. I'm living the single life so I don't owe anyone any excuses. We'll see if anyone's "disappointed" from my actions today. It's a bold move since it's Friday and most people don't do such things over the weekend. Whatever. I'm enjoying it. (This whole paragraph isn't necessary....it's just a prelude to my next post. So remember this.)
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. One of my dear friends and I have often joked that men must put some kind of GPS tracker into girls they really like. It seems as if just as that girl starts to move onto the next one, he starts calling and questioning---showing extreme bouts of interest. It ALWAYS throws me off. It happens way to often for me. Yesterday's phone fiascoes occur more than once every blue moon. My phone blows up when I'm happily involved with someone else. Guys from my past call with stories about "missing" me, how we could be so happy together or how great of a person I am. Thanks guys but I've moved on SUCKAS! *sticks out tongue and shakes fanny*
As I was dancing in the mirror, it all made sense. I seem to be that great outfit these guys aren't ready to hang up or give away. Sometimes, boys, you have to give up certain clothes. You outgrow them. They aren't in season. (Since I'm a classic, I'm always in season. haha) There's a better outfit out there for you, for the occasion.
Debug the GPS trackers. Hang up the outfit that once worked. Let go.
~Romantiful
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I Like Him---
Yesterday I had a date with Calvin "Mr. Just Like Me" and it was the first real date we've had in a month. We have seen each since then though. On average, we see each other once a week and talk at least once a day. Honestly, I didn't mind that we weren't giving our money to the man just so we could have a couple hours of dating. I enjoy his company regardless of where we are. I'm actually more of a homebody than most would know so I prefer to get creative rather than spending money.
All that to say. . .nothing. LOL! Anyway, back to our date night. We decided a long time ago that we wanted to see this particular movie. This was supposed to be him taking me out. However, I arrived at the movie before he did so I just purchased the tickets and patiently waited for him. (He's an habitually late person. On our first date, he was 45 minutes late picking me up.) Nonetheless, when he finally arrived, a huge smile marked my face. I felt like I hadn't seen him in years and he looked so cute. He had no idea I purchased the tickets and started walking toward the counter when I slyly flashed the stubs in his face. He was so happy then proceeded to say "Aww boo you bought the tickets but this was me taking you out so I'm going to give you your money back." I told him it wasn't that big of a deal and we walked into the theatre. (It's really not that big of a deal. Besides, he is one of those guys that like to feel appreciated from time to time so I make attempts to make him feel like I care for him as much as I say.)
This was our third time going on a movie date. During the first movie we didn't talk much but that is when we kissed for the first time. It was quick and dirty, kind of like him getting it out of the way. The second movie was a romantic comedy so the only time we really talked was when we would exchange flirtatious sayings from the movie. This being only the third time I didn't know what to expect. I was sure he probably wasn't going to speak much and we'd spend much of our time laughing. However, I was completely wrong. He talked my ear off during the previews. I even found him being touchy-feely. He's not the mushy type so I was kind of blown away. All throughout the movie, we talked, exchanged jokes, touched and kissed. It was a great movie experience even though the movie wasn't as funny as we expected. Afterwards, we parted ways.
Here's where my problem comes. (Like I seriously think I have a real problem...) I wanted to go home with him and just cuddle. No sex or anything...just enjoying the moment and being in his company. I realize, I like this guy more than he knows. I'm not sure if it's a convenience factor or if it's because he so unlike any other guy I've ever dated OR if it's because I see me in him. I think I get it now. It's not that we aren't on the same page about where this is going (well maybe a little bit) but Calvin just really wants to take his time. He wants to get it right. He wants to make sure I'm worth it. In the end, I just have to keep being myself. No need to nag him about our status or a title. I'm not really ready for all of that yet. I need to learn above all other things just to date. He's shown his interest. I've shown mine. We're attracted to each other in more ways than one. He constantly brings me up to his family and friends. (More than I can say I do. :-/) He's just a great guy and I'm a great girl....we are just 2 great people, enjoying great times. And it's just THAT simple.
*heart smile*
~Romantiful
All that to say. . .nothing. LOL! Anyway, back to our date night. We decided a long time ago that we wanted to see this particular movie. This was supposed to be him taking me out. However, I arrived at the movie before he did so I just purchased the tickets and patiently waited for him. (He's an habitually late person. On our first date, he was 45 minutes late picking me up.) Nonetheless, when he finally arrived, a huge smile marked my face. I felt like I hadn't seen him in years and he looked so cute. He had no idea I purchased the tickets and started walking toward the counter when I slyly flashed the stubs in his face. He was so happy then proceeded to say "Aww boo you bought the tickets but this was me taking you out so I'm going to give you your money back." I told him it wasn't that big of a deal and we walked into the theatre. (It's really not that big of a deal. Besides, he is one of those guys that like to feel appreciated from time to time so I make attempts to make him feel like I care for him as much as I say.)
This was our third time going on a movie date. During the first movie we didn't talk much but that is when we kissed for the first time. It was quick and dirty, kind of like him getting it out of the way. The second movie was a romantic comedy so the only time we really talked was when we would exchange flirtatious sayings from the movie. This being only the third time I didn't know what to expect. I was sure he probably wasn't going to speak much and we'd spend much of our time laughing. However, I was completely wrong. He talked my ear off during the previews. I even found him being touchy-feely. He's not the mushy type so I was kind of blown away. All throughout the movie, we talked, exchanged jokes, touched and kissed. It was a great movie experience even though the movie wasn't as funny as we expected. Afterwards, we parted ways.
Here's where my problem comes. (Like I seriously think I have a real problem...) I wanted to go home with him and just cuddle. No sex or anything...just enjoying the moment and being in his company. I realize, I like this guy more than he knows. I'm not sure if it's a convenience factor or if it's because he so unlike any other guy I've ever dated OR if it's because I see me in him. I think I get it now. It's not that we aren't on the same page about where this is going (well maybe a little bit) but Calvin just really wants to take his time. He wants to get it right. He wants to make sure I'm worth it. In the end, I just have to keep being myself. No need to nag him about our status or a title. I'm not really ready for all of that yet. I need to learn above all other things just to date. He's shown his interest. I've shown mine. We're attracted to each other in more ways than one. He constantly brings me up to his family and friends. (More than I can say I do. :-/) He's just a great guy and I'm a great girl....we are just 2 great people, enjoying great times. And it's just THAT simple.
*heart smile*
~Romantiful
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