Possibly A Lost Soul---

The very first time I saw him (Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate) there was this unexplainable chemistry between us.  He had a smile that lit up the whole room.  If you know me, you know that I can be a sucker for a great smile.  He was very professional and I appreciated it.  The next couple of months we exchanged flirtatious comments and looks.  I so desperately wanted him to ask for my number since I was never the aggressive type.  I played it cool and made sure I looked casually cute every day at work.  It wasn't until nearly four months after our initial meeting did he show interest.  What gave?!  I showed interest first. I bought him a Christmas card (hoping he wasn't a Jehovah Witness) and some chocolate.  The chocolate was an IOU from a time I took some candy from him.  He blushed....felt special...hesitantly asked me for my number. We played phone tag for the first couple of days and finally we talked (at 8:00 am).  We had a pretty GREAT initial conversation.  So much so, we continued to talk throughout the rest of the day.  By the time 5:00 pm rolled around, it was as if we had known each other for years. 

This is when we had the "white sauce" conversation.  This conversation was quite possibly, in my mind, the breakthrough conversation.  It was at this point we realized our attraction was deeper than the both of us.  That day we had discussed the initials (educational and social background information) as well as our love for Jay Z, our thoughts on the best rapper, his coworkers and political events.  We had talked so much that one would assume we would've been bored with each or ran out of things to say.  BUT NOOOOOOO....somehow we got on the topic of white sauces and we both shared an extremely passionate disdain for them.  It was so weird.  We seemed to agree on everything without having to give much explanation.  It was simply amazing!  And guess what?!?!!  He and I talked every weekday for the following 3 months.  It was like clockwork.  There was always a morning call, afternoon texts, a potential lunch call and an after work ride home call. We never got sick of each other.  (You may be wondering how I could speak so surely about his feelings...well other than the fact that he had no problem voicing his feelings for me, his actions spoke louder than words when it came to me. I never doubted once that he liked me.) 

Unfortunately, there is one major detail I'm leaving out. About a week into our phone conversations, I made a joke about him having a boo and he didn't laugh as much as I anticipated.  This was a red flag for me.  He laughed at all my jokes.  Why wasn't this one funny?  So I probed, as any over-analytical person would do...then he revealed that he had a girlfriend! I was shocked above anything else.  He explained their relationship and from what I understood, he was planning on breaking up with her.  (Well that explains what took him so long to ask me for my number.  But why did he even ask me for my number in the FIRST place?!?!)  I was pissed. How dare he unlock my heart and take a piece of my soul while holding someone else's heart in his right hand?????

The crazy part about all of this is I couldn't stay mad too long.  I started thinking positively and figured that all he said was true.  He'd eventually be broken up with her and we'd ride off into the sunset together hand in hand on white horses.  Too bad I was wrong.  Too bad I trusted his word so much.  Too bad he didn't break up with the dinosaur looking girl who he coincidentally met the same day I met Keith "Mr. Not Ever".  I guess I was so sure about his words since his relationship with her mirrored my relationship with Keith.  The only difference is that she had a stronger hold on him than he wanted to admit and that he was "comfortable".  He had grown used to her and somehow he'd settle for marrying someone who may never be his best friend. (<---his words not mine)

That's one of the few traits that seemed to disturb me about him.  He liked his comfort zone.  He had become comfortable with not only her but his career, his lifestyle, his habits, his expectations.  He lacked that thirst and hunger for life that many guys younger than him seemed to still have.  The funny thing in all of this is that the typical person who's known him for years would never say that.  I knew him well enough to tell him and he understood himself enough to agree.  The funnier thing is that I inspired him to break out of that comfort zone.  For example, he reexamined his career goals and is now taking graduate classes in pursuit of some more letters behind his name.

We would have been so great together.  We had built a strong open friendship that allowed each of us to share some of our innermost insecurities without feeling judged or ridiculed.  Too many times we'd complete each others sentences.  Even when we disagreed, we did so in a jokingly calm way.  We weren't competing to dominate the relationship.  We were extremely attracted to each other.  He even said that his future sons would go to Morehouse.  That statement alone made my heart smile beyond measure.  We knew what the other was feeling without probing.  We could always sense it.  The feelings I felt for him or even when I was with him were a bit surreal. 

I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged.  :-/ My hope is that I'm not a completely lost soul wandering around these streets looking to fill a spot that had already been temporarily occupied.  My friends keep telling me that he wasn't my soulmate....so far, I beg to differ.  But hey not every person marries his/her soulmate.  Somehow they find someone they genuinely love and care for and make it work for the best.  I surely hope that's not how my marriage turns out (if I choose to get married).

The good part in it all. . .there is always a lesson learned.  Through my experiences with Brian "Mr. Soulmate", I learned quite a bit about myself.  Since I'm familiar with the feeling, I know what I want in my potential mate, friendship above all things.  I know that I cannot function in a relationship that lacks open and honest communication.  I'm learning to take the truth more and realize that some things just aren't meant to be. . .maybe.

Who knows?!? Brian and I might meet up some place in the future after our mates have passed away....after the kids have grown up....after we have accomplished all of our major goals...and then spend the rest of lives together....It may not be 50 years but 5 years with Brian would be better than none.

~Romantiful (hopefully NOT a lost soul...still scared of lonely)