Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Day I Realized Love---

I know I know....I said I would start blogging more.  It's much harder than you would imagine....especially since I never expected to write on here everyday.  It just kind of happened that way in the beginning because I was super excited to start something new.  Ever since then this space has been used solely for cathartic purposes.  And you know what?!  I'm completely ok with that. 

Now on to why I came here today. . .I've been having some SERIOUS reflective thoughts and conversations about what love is recently.  (Sidenote....Calvin and I just recently exchanged "I Love You"s)  So before I could truly say those words to him I felt the need to re-evaluate my definition of the term.  While my specific definition hasn't been ironed out yet, I must say that I knew I was in love because there was a supreme feeling I felt for this man that I have never in my life felt for anyone else.  I mean....I thought that I was in love least twice.  But after evaluating those relationships, I'd say I was probably in love maybe once.  Since I was so young it doesn't count either way. 

Anyway, so I think I've known for a couple of weeks now that I've loved this man.  Maybe because I would do all types of ish that made no type of sense.  But quite possibly the most promising event that defined my love for this man occurred just recently.  He and I had not been seeing eye to eye for a couple of days and on this particular day I decided I was going to not communicate.  He reached out to me first.  I couldn't help but to respond....I'm cordial you know?!  Then he told me he heard some good news regarding his future career aspirations.  I called him so he could tell me the story and guess what?????  I CRIED!  I really shed tears....I felt so proud and happy.  At that very moment I totally forgot I was trying not to talk to him and get away from his sarcastic overkill attitude.  I escaped into the land of dreams and wanted nothing more than to express my sincere happiness for him. 

So you might be thinking "So what?!?  You were happy for him...big deal."  I say to you "No no no grasshopper....It's a HUGE deal."  See, I have the capability to sulk even in good times.  I can maintain a mood swing better than anyone I know.  And just for one second, my mood changed from anger to joy without switching back.  My feelings were no longer about the petty things we had been arguing about....they became centered on his joy, his success, his happiness.  It was kind of weird when I thought about it after the fact.  I've been happy for people and their accomplishments before but I was so moved to the point of tears.  I don't think I have yet experienced that type of pride for myself...let alone others.

All that to say, my love is selfless.  It surpasses any hurt feelings or pain my mind may be trying to hold on to.  My heart is now allowing me to love....and love unconditionally.  I will try my best to do just that.  I love him and there's no where else to go from here but up.  :-)


Monday, February 14, 2011



So here it is again.....that one day of the year when tons of people get engaged, more people say I love you and just about everyone experiences some form of love.  It's cupid's day but growing up I always knew it to be Saint Valentine's Day.

I was educated in the catholic school system from the 1st grade through the 8th and there's one thing that I can thank all of those nuns and Catholics for till this very day.  Besides my superb mathematical skills and very well-rounded education, I am ever so grateful to have been in a school that celebrated every holiday known to Americans.  Most people that I encounter are always so enamored when I make big deals of days that they consider to be "commercialized" or "capitalistic ways for the rich to get richer".  But it's days like this when I am reminded just how great my childhood was despite some tribulations that could have easily setback any other kid that was walking in my shoes.

Every holiday was celebrated at my school.  Our teachers often educated us on it's meaning/purpose and we would celebrate accordingly.  (This included all holidays related to African American culture, which could have easily been looked over in that Catholic school.)  On these holidays, there were often parties, we were able to dress out of uniforms, get creative and bring in treats.  I looked forward to every holiday during the school year, including birthdays.  (This, too, is why I believe birthdays are a BIG deal and should be celebrated as such.) 

Now don't get me wrong.  I understand the point of view of those who rather not celebrate Valentine's Day because it's just "too cheesy","fake", "commercialized" or whatever other way that person would like to describe it.  I fed into it for years during high school and college....mostly because I didn't have a special somebody and somehow I began thinking that I needed someone special to enjoy this day.  I started dressing in all black....I wore shirts that adorned slogans like "Love is for Losers".  I was anti-Valentine's day. . .UNTIL I was given the chance to actually be someone's Valentine....someone that I happened to care about at the time....someone who believed that February 14th was almost as great as (insert birthday here).

I had no idea what to buy him....OR even what to do.  I simply thought about all those old times when Valentine's Day made me happy and I had no choice but to channel my inner creativity.  I made him a poem booklet with some of the greatest love poems in there and one that I wrote him (that year he asked for a poem for his In the booklet, I also enclosed a love letter.  I expressed my truest emotions for him....I also made him a cd with all of these love songs I picked out specifically for him.  I included a handmade lyric book because he never knew the lyrics to any song.  I kept it simple and yet it was the best gift he ever received (his words not mine). 

That Valentine's Day rekindled my appreciation for one of the most hated holidays in history but this year I won't be celebrating.  My boyfriend isn't a fan.  While I would have loved to make him something amazing to make his heart smile bigger than the other guy, I'll just save it. However, I am almost certain that when I have kids we will celebrate every holiday known to Americans as well.  I'll educate them as those sisters educated me.  We'll do arts and crafts and wear red, pink or purple. 

In the meantime, I'll strive to continually remind everyone around me how much I love them on this day and beyond.  I'm way better at expressing my love than I used to be so thanks Saint Valentine for helping me to learn the importance of making my love known.

I wish you and yours a Happy Valentine's Day....and many more amazing love days. :-)


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Love Is---

Ever since Calvin and I have been official we have attempted to set a theme for each month.  This month, though corny, our theme is "Love. Peace. Soul." We are working to unconventionally show our love, to obtain unspeakable peace, and to experience those things that will draw our souls nearer.  The only problem is I have yet to define love. 

Love is no longer what I thought it was.  I actually feel something deep in my heart for him that I have never felt before.  It's so weird that not even I can put it into words.  However, when I try to define it I become scared.  And just today I realized that I am afraid to fall in love with this man.  I'm scared of the possibility.  My brain keeps sending positive happy feelings to my heart while my heart attempts to block them. 

So as I started thinking about this thing called love, I understood a little better how it was so easy for me to feel afraid.  Crazy thought I know BUT we must all understand that with love comes fear.  It's as simple a concept as God and the devil.  (It's almost like that one law of physics....for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.) However, these things don't quite balance each other out.  Once you believe in God, it should be hard for the devil to tempt you.  The same is true for love.  Once you are enthralled in it, fear should be the farthest thought from your mind.  Or should it?!

Well for me it currently isn't and as I do some much needed introspection this month I wish to define my love that is absent of fear.  I want to love and not be afraid of pain.  I want to be vulnerable and not even think about being hurt.  Before I can truly romantically love someone else, I must wholeheartedly love myself.  As I continue on this journey, I am getting closer to truly loving myself.  Once I love myself, I mean really LOVE myself (the kind of love where I trust my thoughts, my intuitions.....the kind of love where I have no regrets....the kind of love that is an expression of being a child of God) then and only then can I truly love someone else.

So while my brain says heart says wait a minute.  And that's what I'm doing.  There's no need to try and hurry defining love.  I'll just take my time and love will define itself.  I'm sure.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Loving. . .ME---

It's February!  I must admit.  I am so happy to say goodbye to January.  It was a pretty terrible month for me emotionally and by no means do I want to go through that rut again.  I've done some contemplation since Calvin and I's break, which lasted just a week.  I now realize that I have to get back in touch with myself.  I have to love myself.  I was so concerned with making things "right" with everyone else that I forgot to do the right things to please me.  As a result, I have deactivated my facebook page and requested my friend to change my twitter password.  This February I will use all 28 days to focus on myself and my inner happiness.  Since I have submitted my application to five schools, I have a little bit more time on my hand to read leisurely and think freely. . .AND I LOVE IT!

Since February is the month of love, I vow to love me.  I will romance myself. My goal is to understand myself a lot better after these 28 days.  A lot can happen and I'm hopeful about all of the potential outcomes. Maybe you should try it to.  Get back in the habit of doing those things that puts the deepest smile in your heart.  Do you.  Date you.  Love you.

I sure will.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Breaks and Spaces---

Well I could see this coming for the last two weeks almost.  Today Calvin decided that he wanted to take a break.  There's no visitation and decreased communication.  The goal is to take some time to let all of this built up tension die down and hopefully come together and be happy again.  I know what you're that was fast.  Well not really.  We've been dating nearly 9 months and we've had some wonderful times together.  However, this month has been the pits.  I mean just terrible. We've gotten more involved in heated discussions than we have had happy moments.

I've been trying to analyze the situation (a little too much he would say).  I'll admit that me being over analytical has been too much for either of us to handle.  I'm killing my own joy.  I can't enjoy his jokes, the sex, his presence.  It's not the usual.  It's quite ridiculous on my part.  I've never let my emotions come in the way of such a great thing before. 

My hope for this break is that I will get back to my happy place.  The idea is that he'll miss me much and we'll come together and be amazing together.  Breaks aren't usually good things.  Often the guy or girl find themselves trying to "live it up" like they would if they were completely single.  I sincerely doubt this will happen with us. 

This break gives us the right amount of space needed to think things through and come together again.  I'm optimistic about this.  Plus, it'll give me a chance to focus on me and my completion of those applications.  I'm on it!

Ok, I don't feel so sad anymore.  I knew this blog would help me get through some trying times.  Thank you!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Feud and Frustration---

Wow!  It's been forever since I wrote a new post.  I guess I have been so wrapped up in my life that I let nearly two months go by without even saying hi.  Not cool.  I promise I won't do that again.  Sooooo HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! :)

When I first created this blog, my intention was for it to be cathartic.  I was going to use it instead of telling my business so often and getting too many people involved in my love life.  I've done really well since its inception and rarely have I turned to my friends for advice that usually doesn't really apply to me or my situation.  No offense to my friends.  I am just convinced that no one knows my situation and life better than.....well better than me!

So this post is no different.  I wanted to get some things off of my mind without consulting anyone else.  I know for a fact that everything that has been going through my head have been things that I should not be thinking about.  Anyway, so here it goes. . .

I haven't really posted because things in my love life have been better than harmonious (if that's possible).  Calvin and I have been going strong.  I've been satisfied with our relationship and all that I've learned about him and myself in the process.  However, recently we have not been meshing well.  I'm not sure what it is.  I've been trying too hard to figure it out.  TOO hard! I'm thinking that I've been extra sensitive.  This emotional insecurity has lead me to paint these overly exaggerated pictures in my head about what could be going on.  One thought is that he might be cheating on me....not physically.  I by no means believe that BUT I do believe he may be keeping contact with some girls from his past that shouldn't be in his life.  Now don't ask me why I've been thinking this but I have been.  With these thoughts come my overemotional analysis and friction. I'm jeopardizing our relationship as I know it. 

This has been really hard for me.  I like this guy a lot.  I want nothing but the best for us but I can't seem to get out of this relationship funk.  And I am 100% positive that it's turning him completely off and pushing him away.  It's making me really sad even as I type this.  It's only been 8 months and I understand no one will know all there is to know about a person.  I just feel like there are better ways to deal with this.  By this, I have NO idea what I am speaking of.  Nothing really has happened....just a change in our attitudes.  I'm trying my hardest not to read so negatively into it.  I need help y'all.  The chemistry is diminishing.  Feuds are increasing.  Frustration is at an all time high.  How do I address this?!  How can I change the course of our relationship for the better?!  Help me.  Someone.  Anyone. 

Ok. . .maybe I'll just pray about it and get it into my head that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.  Yeah that's it. Let go and let God.  Ok. Woosah. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

Coats, Letters, Food and Laughter- - -

Just 10 days after I posted the open note to him it finally happened.  Calvin asked me to be his girlfriend.  I said yes!

We had BIG plans for Saturday, November 27th.  This was the day that we planned to go to my favorite restaurant, P.F. Changs, and then see Mike Epps' comedy show.  Before we would head to the restaurant, we decided to play the Wii.  We got caught up in the game and were a little late getting to the restaurant.  This whole time he seemed a bit agitated and irritable so I tried not to say much.  The last thing I wanted was for him to have an attitude and rain on the plans we made for the day.  He said he was just hungry though and soon he'd be fine.  He was right.  We had a lovely dinner and continued with our plans.  Right before the waitress brought the check he told me he had a letter.  Now this guy isn't the letter writing type and sometimes I must admit it is really hard to tell when he's being serious.  So I didn't believe him at first.  Then he said "No really I wrote you a letter.  Will you read it?  I poured my heart and soul into it."  I laughed...not knowing if he were serious or not.  He then stated he was serious and pulled out a tightly folded piece of paper from his pocket.  I hesitantly opened up the paper, not knowing what to expect.  Then I found the words "Dear (insert my name), Will you be my girlfriend?  -(insert his name)  []yes []no []maybe"  Just as happy as could be, I took my pen and wrote "Of Course!!!" underneath the word yes and then checked that box three times!  I gave the letter back to him.  He was elated.  Then he told me to write the date and time on the letter.  We're eventually going to make a scrapbook.  :-) 

So this couldn't have been any more perfect.  He's the man I envision when I think of my perfect mate.  He possesses all of the qualities I desperately want.  He's by far not perfect but he's perfect for least for right now.  Who knows what the future may hold?  All I know is that it was the perfect way to start a relationship.  He's amazing.


P.S. He bought me a really fly military style gray jacket.  He likes me. . .a lot.  *cheesing*