Thursday, October 28, 2010

Pendulum- - -

One of the few definitions for the word pendulum is "something that changes its position, attitude, etc fairly regularly".  As a result, that word is an excellent word that perfectly describes something that has been plaguing my relationships as I know it. . .my mood swings.  While all of my relationships have been affected, I will only discuss my most recent occurrences of my devil living within. 

It seems as if my mood swings has been a topic of discussion quite frequently in the past week or so.  The first time it came up I was skyping one of my little sisters, who I often affectionately call my daughter.  We were discussing my "situation" with Calvin.  She asked why we weren't gf/bf yet and I told her I didn't know.  I knew I wasn't going to bring it up but I was ready.  She asked if I had relayed that message to him, if he knew without a doubt that I liked him and wanted to be with him.  Well he does, I answered.  She asked if I was sure because as she put it "your mood swings can make you hard to read." I laughed it off and tried not to pay any attention to it. Just a couple of days later, I was in Atlanta catching up with one of my close friends and somehow she started talking about my mood swings as well. I forget exactly what was said or how it came up but I remember discussing it. 

And just last night, Calvin and I had a talk about my mood swings.  He told me that I was an emotional roller coaster and that he couldn't put up with it.  Yes, I was in a mood so that made it even worse.  What? Was he trying to end this (whatever this is) right then right there?!?! I became even more annoying and moody.  It wasn't a good look.  Then all I could think about was how he said he couldn't put up with who I am.  It truly hurt my feelings since I really like this guy.  I see the potential for a great relationship with him.  I think we compliment each other well and everything.  I had been sensitive, yes.  My mood had changed, yes.  But this was not how I planned to act for the rest of the night. He later told me that when I get like "that" I'm no fun to be around.  (It's not the first time I heard that.) We went on with the night trying to act our normal selves but it wouldn't work.  It was clear that I was thinking too much and it was obvious he wasn't enjoying himself with me.  I wanted to go home right then and I should have.  Too bad I didn't.  We went to bed, without sex (which he turned down....and he never does that). I tried to cuddle during the night and he wouldn't let up.  At one point I believe he pushed me away.  Not a good look.  I couldn't sleep at all.  Around 5 am, I woke up.  After trying to go back to sleep every 10 minutes, I decided to just leave his house at 6 am, which is about 30 minutes earlier than usual.  I put my clothes on...went to kiss him goodbye and he would not move.  He stuck his hand out and I tapped it.  That was it....I won't see him again possibly until next Wednesday.  He's going to his homecoming this weekend.  And that's how we said goodbye!

So now I've been thinking about this whole thing.  My mood swings.  My emotions.  My sensitivity.  These are all some of my character traits that I absolutely can't stand about myself.  Sometimes I do get in these funks and sulk.  Sometimes I can be really rude and mean.  Sometimes I don't feel like being bothered.  But how can I continue to let these flaws affect my relationships so greatly!?!?!  Those closest to me have learned to just not say anything when I am going through my moods.  They stay away and don't take it personal. 

While these are some of my character flaws, I will say that I am generally happy 98% of the time.  It's that 2% that's just so volatile that many can't and choose not to put up with.  I really wish I could control these least long enough for Calvin to learn me better and realize that they aren't who I am.  I wish that I could rid myself of the pendulum moods.  They have affected way too many relationships and I'm sick of it.  Please someone help me before I lose a good thing.


Friday, October 15, 2010

THE "Title"- - -

Though I've never been much of a Ciara fan, I can say that there are some songs that get me every time.  Her first album wasn't too bad and as a college freshman it seemed as if most of the songs could relate to something in some way or another.  That being said, I have been recently thinking of one song in particular that I can't seem to get out of my head.  It's called "The Title".  The chorus goes like this "I want the title/
I wanna be known as your girl/ I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend/ So let a girl come in your world/ I wanna be your lady."
Then, I used to spend a lot of time singing it to my then on and off again boyfriend who conveniently went to school in Ithaca while I was in Atlanta.  Looking back on it, it made absolutely no sense why I would want him to be my boyfriend.  We were both two college freshmen in two totally different cities living two absolutely different lives.  But I was lovestruck and nothing made me happier than knowing that he was all mine.  That's what I thought the title would guarantee....that he'd never cheat or flirt and that even though we'd only see each other twice a year that he'd manage to claim me at all times.  Dumb! Just dumb I tell you.

Six years later and twenty years wiser, I realize that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do.  So that brings me to my reason for writing this post.  I've been seeing Calvin for almost six months now.  We've been dating since the Wednesday after we met and we haven't stopped since.  We've pretty much talked on the phone everyday except for the small drought that we experienced during my birthday weekend.  He was being a complete dick. Yet and still, that was a mere day and a half of not speaking in some way.  Nothing major like a week or two.  We've seen each other at least two times a week.  It's been more frequent recently though.  I introduced him to my family Labor Day weekend, which was no small feat for me.  We actually spent all of Labor Day weekend together.  We learned so much about each other that weekend on top of learning that we could spend countless hours together without sex and not get sick of each other. Amazing!  Last weekend we took a trip to Niagara Falls.  It was my first trip with a boy. (Yes, I do realize that I am a late bloomer in all things love but please excuse my tardiness.) So now we've spent two weekends together. We've met each other's families. We plan events ahead of time.  We date weekly. We talk daily. We email everyday, all day...literally.  However, this guy is NOT my boyfriend.  I have no title.  I technically can't get mad if he dates other girls and vice versa.  We have no obligation to each other. 

So what's the problem you ask?!?! You might say "But Romantiful, you get the perks without the commitment so if he messes up one day you can just go out with someone else. No hard feelings." WRONG! I would have hard feelings.  I like this boy. A lot. It kind of sickens me because in my heart of hearts I wish I were able to multi-task with men.  I can't.  My heart is made to like only one male at a time.  It's hard enough for me to date multiple people in the beginning but to be damn near 6 months in with one and 1 month in with another I just can't do.  Actually, I don't understand how anyone could.  If you are still frequently talking to and dating one person after six months, then how can you date others?  Feelings have emerged.

At this point in my life, I have to really think about relationships before I set foot in one. I won't even date a guy if I couldn't see us getting married.  It's kind of like what's the point.  I don't need you to be my sponsor.  If I'm dating you, it's because at some point I want to have a family and build an effective long-lasting relationship and you just might be my suitor. So for me, relationships are the means of helping me figure out if myself and this person could last long term.  I want the commitment to see if given no distractions could you stay faithful to me while continuing to make me happy and laugh and still accomplish your goals too. It's a huge feat.  That's why after college, relationships are not something to play with.  It's no longer about me giving you a title because it looks's about how it feels.  Are you happy with this person?  Does this person have most of the attributes you want? Will this person steadily seek to improve his or herself while helping you grow as well?  It's deep man! And I'm just trying not to drown. LOL! ha ha

Anyway, all that to say, I think I'm ready for a title from Calvin.  I like him. A lot. (Though I think I told you that already. lmao) I've thought about us and where we could be and that alone makes me happy.  We're similar but yet different.  We have enough to bring to the table and room to learn.  He possesses most of the qualities I'd like in a potential mate.  He's God-fearing, intelligent, handsome, hilarious, witty, physically fit, emotionally sound, financially savvy, private but still open, understanding, knowledgeable, loves to travel and has no problems doing what it takes to make me happy.  I really couldn't ask for anything else.  (Except I'd probably ask him to cut the sarcastic remarks when I'm trying to be serious.) So I've analyzed all of this in the past couple of days and now I'm at the point where I don't want to share him with anyone else.  I want him all to myself.  I want to see where this thing will take us.  I have a positive feeling about this one. I'm just hoping he feels the same way.


P.S. I know I like him a lot because my Homecoming is coming up next weekend and I have no thoughts or intentions on messing with any other guys. NONE! Crazy...I know.