Monday, November 29, 2010

Coats, Letters, Food and Laughter- - -

Just 10 days after I posted the open note to him it finally happened.  Calvin asked me to be his girlfriend.  I said yes!

We had BIG plans for Saturday, November 27th.  This was the day that we planned to go to my favorite restaurant, P.F. Changs, and then see Mike Epps' comedy show.  Before we would head to the restaurant, we decided to play the Wii.  We got caught up in the game and were a little late getting to the restaurant.  This whole time he seemed a bit agitated and irritable so I tried not to say much.  The last thing I wanted was for him to have an attitude and rain on the plans we made for the day.  He said he was just hungry though and soon he'd be fine.  He was right.  We had a lovely dinner and continued with our plans.  Right before the waitress brought the check he told me he had a letter.  Now this guy isn't the letter writing type and sometimes I must admit it is really hard to tell when he's being serious.  So I didn't believe him at first.  Then he said "No really I wrote you a letter.  Will you read it?  I poured my heart and soul into it."  I laughed...not knowing if he were serious or not.  He then stated he was serious and pulled out a tightly folded piece of paper from his pocket.  I hesitantly opened up the paper, not knowing what to expect.  Then I found the words "Dear (insert my name), Will you be my girlfriend?  -(insert his name)  []yes []no []maybe"  Just as happy as could be, I took my pen and wrote "Of Course!!!" underneath the word yes and then checked that box three times!  I gave the letter back to him.  He was elated.  Then he told me to write the date and time on the letter.  We're eventually going to make a scrapbook.  :-) 

So this couldn't have been any more perfect.  He's the man I envision when I think of my perfect mate.  He possesses all of the qualities I desperately want.  He's by far not perfect but he's perfect for least for right now.  Who knows what the future may hold?  All I know is that it was the perfect way to start a relationship.  He's amazing.


P.S. He bought me a really fly military style gray jacket.  He likes me. . .a lot.  *cheesing*

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dear John...uhhh I mean Calvin- - -

I've been really struggling with my emotions these last couple of weeks.  Perhaps it's because I have opened myself up so much and I feel so exposed that the slightest bit of rudeness makes me question everything that has been built over the last couple of months.  I like Calvin I really do but this morning I woke up with the declaration I would start dating other people again on my mind.  That's no all.  Either that's women's intuition telling me I should or maybe I'm just fed up with the gray area.  Whatever it is, I've decided to write an open letter to Calvin.  He probably will never see this but at least I'll get a chance to get these words out of my head and maybe just MAYBE someone can help me figure all of this ish out!  So here it goes. . .

Dear Calvin,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I've had tons to say to you lately but have been finding it hard to express myself for a number of reasons.  So instead of saying these things in person, I have chosen to write you a letter (though it may not be four

Listen, I like you.  It's that simple.  You always say simplicity is genius.  Well that my friend is the most genius thing I could say about my feelings for you.  On a scale of 1-10, I like you a 12.  As if I don't tell you enough, you are probably wondering why...why do I like you so much.  Where would you like to start?!  Shall I first talk about how gorgeously handsome you are and the smile you bring to my face when you walk into the room (especially when you do your "Idris Elba" walk)?  Or how about your beautiful smile that lights up your whole face? This is the same smile that when worn affectionately has the power to make me melt in my shoes.  Maybe it's the way you dance for me when you're about to get into the shower or changing your clothes for bed.  Perhaps it's your muscular build that I should write LA Fitness about thanking them for helping you preserve your sexy.  It's this same build that gives you the strength to curl me in a parking lot or toss me over your shoulder when we're playing or throw me on the bed as if you are making a statement or even that one time in the kitchen when you were holding me upside down...easily a position we could have dropped our clothes and had sex in.  Speaking of sex, that turns me on too.  You have this intuitive ability to make my body feel amazing.  The oral sex is by far the best I've ever received.  It's so good it makes me want to return the favor without any hesitation.  (For once, I actually enjoy giving fellatio...Who knew?!?) You're so adventurous and explorative.  You simply wish to make it as enjoyable for me as it is for you. 

While the physical is always good, I must admit it's only about a fourth of the reason I like you a 12.  Half of that reason is what makes you who you are.  It's your intellect.  Your ability to not get lost in any conversation we may have be it about politics, sports, medicine or business.  There's never a dull moment in conversations with you.  Besides your intellect, the one thing that makes me enjoy you the most is your personality.  You are by far the funniest guy I've ever dated.  I can truly appreciate this (and the fact that you think I'm the funniest girl you know We have more jokes than Kevin Hart, Mike Epps and Bruce Bruce all doing a comedy show in Las Vegas on NYE.  We're always laughing....laughter is probably the one thing that keeps us together (for the lack of a better word). Besides your intellect and sense of humor, I know for a fact I would not be able to date you if you weren't as kind, passionate, intuitive, charming, respectful, responsible and empathetic. 

While the physical and mental are majority of my reason for liking you, I can't forget the spiritual.  There is something uber sexy about a man who knows without a doubt that he is a child of God and nothing nor anyone will come in between him and his relationship with his creator.  It's amazing to listen to the stories about your involvement with the young boys in your church.  Plus your speaking this week too.  That means I'm not the only one who sees the light of God shining through you.  Besides this, a man of God knows that he has a greater purpose on this Earth.  He realizes that his life is not his own and gradually works to becoming a man capable enough of fostering a great relationship with his future wife and being able to take care of his children.  He has visions and uses his goals to make those visions his reality.  He understands his talents and does not let them go to waste.  He is simply amazing...a true reflection of the Father is displayed in every action he takes and decision he makes.

I like you for all of the above stated reasons.  I know that I tell you often how much I like you but rarely do I go into specifics.  I've probably done it once really.  I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you or devalue what we have.  Although all of these things come together to make you a wonderful person, I must admit there's one thing about your personality that I could really do without forever.  You can be extremely's as if you can sense my weakness at any moment and simply attack it.  This is where the riff raff has been coming the last couple of weeks.

I'm already vulnerable because I have put myself in a position of no power.  I feel as if I submitted my emotions to you...I've taken my heart out and given it to you on a silver platter.  And at times, I feel like you're just looking at it turns cold. On those days you are being rude I honestly feel like you have dropped the platter and somehow managed to walk all over it.  I feel defenseless...and broke.  I know I shouldn't feel so strongly about a guy that's not even my boyfriend but I do.  (Hell keeping it real....6 months into dating my last boyfriend I knew it was over.  I was ready to call it quits but didn't because of fear.)

Anyway, all of this to say....what the hell are you waiting on!?  I'm not ready to be married...I'm not.  I'm just ready for you to make a verbal statement not just to me but for the rest of the world that I am the girl you have eyes for and the only way anyone can take those eyes away would be if they had more to offer than me and made you feel more special than I do.  But then on the other hand, maybe you don't feel so strongly about me.  Maybe I'm setting myself up to fail.  All I know is that eventually if this isn't defined you might catch me in the streets trying to move away from these feelings I have displayed for you. I'll try to find someone else to build inside jokes with, to gaze into his eyes, to be my private dancer, to be my Cornel West, to go everywhere with and do everything while enjoying every minute of it.  I will!  *cue Beyonce song* Don't you ever for a minute think you're irreplaceable. lol

Okay well I hope I've given you a little bit of clarity into my feelings.  Let me know what you're thinking. Thanks hun.



Thursday, October 28, 2010

Pendulum- - -

One of the few definitions for the word pendulum is "something that changes its position, attitude, etc fairly regularly".  As a result, that word is an excellent word that perfectly describes something that has been plaguing my relationships as I know it. . .my mood swings.  While all of my relationships have been affected, I will only discuss my most recent occurrences of my devil living within. 

It seems as if my mood swings has been a topic of discussion quite frequently in the past week or so.  The first time it came up I was skyping one of my little sisters, who I often affectionately call my daughter.  We were discussing my "situation" with Calvin.  She asked why we weren't gf/bf yet and I told her I didn't know.  I knew I wasn't going to bring it up but I was ready.  She asked if I had relayed that message to him, if he knew without a doubt that I liked him and wanted to be with him.  Well he does, I answered.  She asked if I was sure because as she put it "your mood swings can make you hard to read." I laughed it off and tried not to pay any attention to it. Just a couple of days later, I was in Atlanta catching up with one of my close friends and somehow she started talking about my mood swings as well. I forget exactly what was said or how it came up but I remember discussing it. 

And just last night, Calvin and I had a talk about my mood swings.  He told me that I was an emotional roller coaster and that he couldn't put up with it.  Yes, I was in a mood so that made it even worse.  What? Was he trying to end this (whatever this is) right then right there?!?! I became even more annoying and moody.  It wasn't a good look.  Then all I could think about was how he said he couldn't put up with who I am.  It truly hurt my feelings since I really like this guy.  I see the potential for a great relationship with him.  I think we compliment each other well and everything.  I had been sensitive, yes.  My mood had changed, yes.  But this was not how I planned to act for the rest of the night. He later told me that when I get like "that" I'm no fun to be around.  (It's not the first time I heard that.) We went on with the night trying to act our normal selves but it wouldn't work.  It was clear that I was thinking too much and it was obvious he wasn't enjoying himself with me.  I wanted to go home right then and I should have.  Too bad I didn't.  We went to bed, without sex (which he turned down....and he never does that). I tried to cuddle during the night and he wouldn't let up.  At one point I believe he pushed me away.  Not a good look.  I couldn't sleep at all.  Around 5 am, I woke up.  After trying to go back to sleep every 10 minutes, I decided to just leave his house at 6 am, which is about 30 minutes earlier than usual.  I put my clothes on...went to kiss him goodbye and he would not move.  He stuck his hand out and I tapped it.  That was it....I won't see him again possibly until next Wednesday.  He's going to his homecoming this weekend.  And that's how we said goodbye!

So now I've been thinking about this whole thing.  My mood swings.  My emotions.  My sensitivity.  These are all some of my character traits that I absolutely can't stand about myself.  Sometimes I do get in these funks and sulk.  Sometimes I can be really rude and mean.  Sometimes I don't feel like being bothered.  But how can I continue to let these flaws affect my relationships so greatly!?!?!  Those closest to me have learned to just not say anything when I am going through my moods.  They stay away and don't take it personal. 

While these are some of my character flaws, I will say that I am generally happy 98% of the time.  It's that 2% that's just so volatile that many can't and choose not to put up with.  I really wish I could control these least long enough for Calvin to learn me better and realize that they aren't who I am.  I wish that I could rid myself of the pendulum moods.  They have affected way too many relationships and I'm sick of it.  Please someone help me before I lose a good thing.


Friday, October 15, 2010

THE "Title"- - -

Though I've never been much of a Ciara fan, I can say that there are some songs that get me every time.  Her first album wasn't too bad and as a college freshman it seemed as if most of the songs could relate to something in some way or another.  That being said, I have been recently thinking of one song in particular that I can't seem to get out of my head.  It's called "The Title".  The chorus goes like this "I want the title/
I wanna be known as your girl/ I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend/ So let a girl come in your world/ I wanna be your lady."
Then, I used to spend a lot of time singing it to my then on and off again boyfriend who conveniently went to school in Ithaca while I was in Atlanta.  Looking back on it, it made absolutely no sense why I would want him to be my boyfriend.  We were both two college freshmen in two totally different cities living two absolutely different lives.  But I was lovestruck and nothing made me happier than knowing that he was all mine.  That's what I thought the title would guarantee....that he'd never cheat or flirt and that even though we'd only see each other twice a year that he'd manage to claim me at all times.  Dumb! Just dumb I tell you.

Six years later and twenty years wiser, I realize that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do.  So that brings me to my reason for writing this post.  I've been seeing Calvin for almost six months now.  We've been dating since the Wednesday after we met and we haven't stopped since.  We've pretty much talked on the phone everyday except for the small drought that we experienced during my birthday weekend.  He was being a complete dick. Yet and still, that was a mere day and a half of not speaking in some way.  Nothing major like a week or two.  We've seen each other at least two times a week.  It's been more frequent recently though.  I introduced him to my family Labor Day weekend, which was no small feat for me.  We actually spent all of Labor Day weekend together.  We learned so much about each other that weekend on top of learning that we could spend countless hours together without sex and not get sick of each other. Amazing!  Last weekend we took a trip to Niagara Falls.  It was my first trip with a boy. (Yes, I do realize that I am a late bloomer in all things love but please excuse my tardiness.) So now we've spent two weekends together. We've met each other's families. We plan events ahead of time.  We date weekly. We talk daily. We email everyday, all day...literally.  However, this guy is NOT my boyfriend.  I have no title.  I technically can't get mad if he dates other girls and vice versa.  We have no obligation to each other. 

So what's the problem you ask?!?! You might say "But Romantiful, you get the perks without the commitment so if he messes up one day you can just go out with someone else. No hard feelings." WRONG! I would have hard feelings.  I like this boy. A lot. It kind of sickens me because in my heart of hearts I wish I were able to multi-task with men.  I can't.  My heart is made to like only one male at a time.  It's hard enough for me to date multiple people in the beginning but to be damn near 6 months in with one and 1 month in with another I just can't do.  Actually, I don't understand how anyone could.  If you are still frequently talking to and dating one person after six months, then how can you date others?  Feelings have emerged.

At this point in my life, I have to really think about relationships before I set foot in one. I won't even date a guy if I couldn't see us getting married.  It's kind of like what's the point.  I don't need you to be my sponsor.  If I'm dating you, it's because at some point I want to have a family and build an effective long-lasting relationship and you just might be my suitor. So for me, relationships are the means of helping me figure out if myself and this person could last long term.  I want the commitment to see if given no distractions could you stay faithful to me while continuing to make me happy and laugh and still accomplish your goals too. It's a huge feat.  That's why after college, relationships are not something to play with.  It's no longer about me giving you a title because it looks's about how it feels.  Are you happy with this person?  Does this person have most of the attributes you want? Will this person steadily seek to improve his or herself while helping you grow as well?  It's deep man! And I'm just trying not to drown. LOL! ha ha

Anyway, all that to say, I think I'm ready for a title from Calvin.  I like him. A lot. (Though I think I told you that already. lmao) I've thought about us and where we could be and that alone makes me happy.  We're similar but yet different.  We have enough to bring to the table and room to learn.  He possesses most of the qualities I'd like in a potential mate.  He's God-fearing, intelligent, handsome, hilarious, witty, physically fit, emotionally sound, financially savvy, private but still open, understanding, knowledgeable, loves to travel and has no problems doing what it takes to make me happy.  I really couldn't ask for anything else.  (Except I'd probably ask him to cut the sarcastic remarks when I'm trying to be serious.) So I've analyzed all of this in the past couple of days and now I'm at the point where I don't want to share him with anyone else.  I want him all to myself.  I want to see where this thing will take us.  I have a positive feeling about this one. I'm just hoping he feels the same way.


P.S. I know I like him a lot because my Homecoming is coming up next weekend and I have no thoughts or intentions on messing with any other guys. NONE! Crazy...I know.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Month of Love

It's been forever since I've updated this thing.  There's been so much going on that I just haven't had the time.  BUT I'M BACK SNITCHES!!!!! There's just so much to say that I don't even know where to begin.  So since I'm at work, I have to keep it short and I'll update you on the most pressing news. 

Remember my post about Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate"??? In that post, I said "I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged.  :-/ " Ironically enough, even though I hadn't talked to him in a minute I still could sense that something was up.  I later saw pictures of his then girlfriend (now fiance') on facebook flashing her ring in her profile picture.  When I initially saw it, I was distraught.  I cried for at least an hour.  I was very very very depressed.  Was it true???  Were they really engaged???  Or was she the type to just wear a ring on that finger on THAT hand????  I needed answers SO. . .I called him.  He and I talked a few times that day.  Eventually I asked him about this potential engagement.  I lied and said I had dreamed about it.  I didn't want him to know I was a facebook stalker. He laughed and said "If I were engaged, you'd be one of the first people I'd tell." I'm usually good at picking up on bull crap but this time it slipped my radar. Maybe I just wanted to believe that he didn't actually love her and they couldn't actually be together...FOREVER!

Lo and behold, not too long after that I saw she changed her relationship status to "ENGAGED"....on facebook, any relationship status other than single warrants some excessive comments.  I went through the pictures and of course....I should have known....this negro lied to me! They were indeed engaged and had been so since the beginning of August!  Amazing!  I had become so jaded by this man that I believed everything he told me. 

Instead of moping about it, I decided it was time to release him from my life so I sent him an email entitled "Last Contact".  The email simply said,

"I hope this email finds you well.  I want you to know that the world is so small and with the addition of social networking it's at least ten times smaller.  As I was browsing facebook at work, (insert gf's name here)'s page came up because we have a few mutual friends.  Though I usually ignore such things because I don't usually know the person (or if I do, I'd rather not add them in the first place), I decided to click on her name.  I was able to view her profile pics and it looks like you've been engaged since at least August.  Wow.  What a contradictory statement to the one you made when I asked you if you were a little while ago.  I also sent you a text about this but you didn't respond...go figure.  However, today I will be deleting numbers from my phone and yours is one of them.  It was fun while it lasted.  I can't say that I have any regrets. Well, maybe. . .I probably would have cut it off like I anticipated back in January.  I was so stupid about the whole thing.  Oh live and you learn.  It looks like I served as a means of letting you know that she's the one for you.  I'd be interested in knowing how you came to that decision.  How did you realize you finally wanted to get married?  How did you propose?  You know....all that jazz.  I wish to know these things simply because I'm a romantic and any love story is interesting to me.

Although I'm interested, I do question the validity of the whole thing.  Initially, I had thoughts of sending her pics and texts you sent so that she'd know that you weren't all you said you were.  But those are just extreme thoughts that I would never turn into actions since I respect you. Plus, I don't believe if I sent her something she'd believe me or want to leave you.  Additionally, getting married is probably one of the best decisions you could make.  I'd hope you'd respect the institution of marriage set forth by God and His church so much so as to never engage in the cheating behaviors you have so repeatedly done in the past. 

All in all, I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors and your life pursuits.  I wish we could have continued our friendship but maybe we'll catch up at some random place 50 years down the line...just to say hello.  Congratulations on everything.  It's been real."
 I felt good after sending this email.  I had released myself of any feelings I still had for this man.  I didn't even anticipate an email back.  I thought maybe. . .just maybe he might feel like a douche bag and not respond.  Fooled me. He replied and it said,
I wanted to respond to the stalker thing but that would have been too easy.  So on another note, at least we're done with that.  I hope he does change his life around.  I don't know her but I do know that any woman that stands by a guy like that deserves the best.  I truly do wish them nothing but eternal bliss and happiness to get them through the roughest of days. 
"Hey there

Actually it was in mid August.  Maybe right before the last time I spoke to you.  I was going to tell  then, but . . . . .I don't know.   When you sent the text, I think we were out of town.  But this is definatlly for the best.  I was feeling like I was spreading myself thin.  No need in going into a long explaination.  We've been through this many times before.  However, I don't think you give me enough credit for my analytical thinking or reasoning.  I wouldn't enter into something this with the intent of entertainig another (insert my age and alma mater here) grad.  I still say that our timing sucked.  NO regrets.  I still think you are an amazing young woman (a bit of a stalker no less).  So yeah, good luck on everything.  You deserve the best."

Coincidentally enough, I don't feel like I thought I would feel as described in my previous post.  I'm actually quite glad he and I didn't work out.  I deserve better.  He can be a great guy but I was definitely making excuses for him and his actions, attempting to make his situation work for me. I've learned that when it's my time, it's my time.  In the meantime, I will play, frolic and enjoy this emotional rollercoaster called love. 


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Sensitivity- - -

Yesterday was Calvin and I's date night.  We didn't really go out, per se, but we did see each other.  Since Calvin has an extreme case of sarcasm (which is often interpreted as rude), I bet him the day before that he could not go 24 hours with saying one sarcastic thing to me.  We talked throughout the work day via bbm and he seemed so sensitive and compassionate, both traits that dominate my personality.  I really enjoyed the day without his sarcasm. Although, at times, I missed the variety it added to the conversation.  I would try to trap him with a super smart comment and all he would reply was a simple okay and not say anything at all.  Cool.  I guess.  No fun though.  Regardless of this, it was a good day emotionally for me.  He couldn't use his sarcasm as a disguise of his true feelings and I appreciated the day of honesty that came with it. 

The bet was that if he didn't say one sarcastic thing to me I had to do 50 push ups for him. (Now I know that sounds like nothing BUT it's a lot for me.  There are two exercises I completely hate, running and push ups.  It's because I don't do either well.  My boobs are too big to enjoy running and my upper body is too weak to enjoy push ups.)  He's often teased me for having such little arms and constantly tells me to do push ups.  I showed him once what my push up looked like, he laughed and called it pitiful.  No harm, no foul. They are pitiful. I shy away from them as a result.  So when he said 50 push ups, that sounded like torture for me.  On the other hand, if I won then he would have to cook for me. 

I lost. :-(  So yesterday he told me to come over in my workout gear.  Fine.  I get there ready to do 50 push ups and then he starts telling me other stuff to do.  He said he wanted to "warm (me) up." HA!  Needless to say, I did my part and some.  In the end, we both did the last 25 push ups together and some ab work.  It was great.  Then we went to watch Kevin Hart.  We laughed.  We enjoyed each other but it was starting to get late.  He said "So are you spending the night or what?"  I said "No." He said "Fine then leave. It's past my bedtime."  Now all of this was in his normal sarcastic/rude ass tone so I didn't take him that serious.  I stayed for another half hour before he told me he was sleepy.  Then I said I'd stay and he said "No leave.  You don't want to be here.  It's fine.  Just go." So what'd I do?!  I put my shoes on and walked towards the door.  He asked for a hug and I walked up to him without extended arms and he said "What's wrong with you?"  I said "You're kicking me out."  (This is a scene we've been through before.) After an exchange of words, he said "You're such a girl.  You're so damn sensitive.  You are a girly-girl.  I never date girly-girls.  I guess I have to get used to it."  My heart smiled a bit and I said "Why do you have to get used to it?" He rolled his eyes and said "Ok guess not." I smacked my lips and turned around to walk out.  He grabbed me, made a deep sigh and said "Because you're the girl that I'm dealing with. You're just so sensitive."  I said "Is that a bad thing? People change." He said "People rarely change especially not for someone else.  If people change it's because they want to." I said "So is that a bad thing?  Is my sensitivity a bad thing?" He said "Listen, it's late.  I'm not going into that conversation with you.  Goodnight."  I turned around and walked my sensitive ass to my car.

So the thing is...he and I had a similar conversation about my sensitivity before when we attempted to lay out what we want from each other.  He said he wanted me to be "less mushy, less analytical and less sensitive." Anyone who knows me knows that all of those characteristics define who I am.  I am an emotional, over-analytical, romantically sensitive sap. I am the definition of wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I would go great lengths to please the people I love.  I care very much about making people happy.  Every now and again I like to feel appreciated and loved.  I want you to not only show that but tell me.  If you don't, I start to over-analyze.  I start questioning everything that has been done or said.  If you know anything about Cancers, I am one in every sense of the word.  Taken from, "When in love, she will be tender, womanly, timid and modest. She dislikes criticisms, can't stand rejection and gets deeply hurt by harsh words. Too much aggressiveness on your part may make her a little hesitant." This is who I am.  I would be more than happy to change it IF I saw a problem with it.  I must admit that I used to have issues with my sensitivity. I tried so hard to conceal it.  I wouldn't let anyone close to me for fear of being too vulnerable.  In some ways I'm still like that.  I use sarcasm and laughter as my shell.  So on the surface, I can come across as a bit cold, very sarcastic sometimes a tad bitchy.  That was my way of changing it.  I'm either overly sensitive or overly sarcastic.

He knows this.  He knew it from the first time we met.  We had a conversation that next day on the phone and he told me then that he could tell I was using my sarcasm as a shell.  As far as he could see, I was nothing but mush on the inside.  Well, sir, I'm pretty consistent.  He just knows me more now so that "mush" is shown and when my sarcasm is used he says I'm being a jerk or an asshole.  So how can I win?  Is there a such thing as being too sensitive?  I'm not insecure so I don't think I'm too sensitive.  I just don't respond well to harsh remarks, criticisms or rejection. Don't do those things and I won't be so sensitive.  Now how do I communicate this with him.  I don't want to give him my weak points. LOL.  I don't think he'll use them against me later; I just rather not expose myself so much. haha. 

Oh and I forgot to tell you.  I think he's as sensitive as me.  The only difference is he has mastered the art of concealing it.  He dates girls who are not mushes which helps him conceal it even more.  It is my belief that you can not read a person as well as he's read me unless you are like them or you've been with someone who was.  Since he hasn't dated a girl like me, his words not mine, it's safe to assume the former.  I think he's scared of showing his sensitivity.  However, if he does, that might lead to a very intense relationship, which could be good or bad.  But knowing us, I'm thinking it'll be nothing but good.  We would learn a couple of things from each other, sort of like balancing it all out.  Now how do I relay this information to him?  Be mindful that he is a very dominant, mysterious male (He's a Scorpio, btw) that doesn't like to be exposed or not be in charge.  Go Figure. lol 


~Romantifully Sensitive :-(

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Social Experiment---

So it's been a couple of days since I've had a chance to write on this thing BUT I'm back itches!!!! lol  I'll give you a brief update on all that happened since the last post.  As I informed you, I decided to cut my phone off for a day.  (It turned out to be about 30 hrs.)  It was a crazy busy day at work so I didn't think about it too much.  I definitely thought I was going to have problems since it was a Friday night but I didn't.  I merely stayed at home and enjoyed myself...fully.  I even wrote a new personal statement! (YAY ME!)

Anyway, when I finally did turn my phone on, I had a host of texts, bbms and voicemails.  Most of them were from the very boys I said would not care, ESPECIALLY Calvin.  He and I usually communicate via bbm.  He never leaves voicemails or sends text messages.  He not only sent bbms but left text messages.  Since he sent a text that said "what's going on? where r u?", I assumed he called at some point of the day.  When I finally responded to his messages, I could tell from his tone (even over bbm) that he was upset.  In fact, he kept giving me one word answers until I decided that the 'tude he was giving was not okay.  So I called him....we played phone tag for a second...then we finally talked....AMAZING!  He clearly missed me.  He not only said that but told me he had tried to call several times because he needed my advice.  THAT in itself means a lot since he's alpha male and takes advice from no one.  He wanted my help on telling his best friend "bye". He wanted me to tell him it'd be okay and soon enough they would be reunited.  He said he asked his sisters and mom but he would have preferred to hear my opinion. And that ladies and gentlemen was the deal breaker.  He also invited me to a social gathering that his friends were having.  I went by myself and oddly enough had a great time being there "with" him.  We drank, we laughed, we talked and he showed constant displays of affection.  His friends would reference him as my man.  A couple of times I shunned them for saying such but then they'd look at me with the "how dare you play him like that" look.  Then we left and went back to his house.  We talked and went to sleep, like two old married adults who just came home from a night on the town.  We were so beat.  We didn't even kiss. It's fine though.  I just enjoy being in his presence.  He has taken over the number one spot yet again.  I won't tell him that this time though since last time he took it to his head and neglected me a bit.  (ha ha)  He seems to be more interested now than ever and I love it!  I'm just enjoying the moment with this one.  This is probably the best idea I had yet.  LMAO. 

Anyway, there are other people that called and texted but none worth mentioning really.  There was that one boy who sent me the skype and twitter dm but I realized once I got his texts that we could never talk so no need to acknowledge that.  Back to Calvin. . . (proceeds to daydream)

~Romantifully yours

Friday, August 20, 2010

GPS Trackers and Fashion Statements---

I was just standing in the mirror dancing (yes, I do that fact, I do it clothed or naked.  I love me!) and I came up with an ingenious quotation.  It came shortly after I finished this month's Glamour magazine with J.Lo on the cover.  Ironically enough, her new CD is called "Love?" and she herself has experienced some VERY public bouts of love.  Anyway, my thought was "Love is like a great outfit.  You are always happy you found it and you fill good in it but when you're not in it you're constantly looking for it.  You rarely settle until you find the right one. Additionally, you always go back to that great outfit, at least until you find one better." Ingenious right?!?!  I think's a thought that combines two of my favorite things, love and fashion. AH-MAZING....That quote gives me an, I'm hyping it but still. (Sidenote, I just thought of an addendum to that quote... "Facebook always ruins it.") HAHA!

Seriously, you're probably wondering how this relates to the title. Don't worry.  I'll tell you.

So yesterday, my phone was the jump-off spot.  I spent my day texting Calvin "Mr. Just Like Me"...he seemed to be feeling me kind of tough from our movie date the night before.  He was not being his sarcastically jerk self...he said some very cute mushy things, which is not him at all.  It really made my heart smile.  I also received a text during the day from a new guy that I met a month ago that said something about him missing me a lot.  He followed it up with a text that explained he didn't understand why he missed me so since we hadn't spent much time together or talked that often.  (This guy is also aware of my situation with Calvin. The most intimate he and I have ever been was sitting in my car one night listening to slow songs and exchanging of touches or saliva.) Then there were the two missed calls I received while I took my nap.  One from Keith "Mr. Not Ever", who always leaves a voicemail, and the other from Xavier "Mr. You're My Little Secret". I returned both calls; Keith answered, of course, and Xavier didn't.  Then after I abruptly ended my boring ass conversation with Keith, I got on gchat.  Then my high school sweetheart sent me a video chat.  We talked for a good hour.  THEN, I talked to Eugene "Mr. Got It Together" before I went to bed.

It was a LOT!  As a result, I decided to turn my phone off for the day (per the request of my dear friend Dreezy "Mr. 'I forgot your name'" LOL.)  It's been a rewarding feeling knowing I am not tied to my phone or any person.  I'm living the single life so I don't owe anyone any excuses. We'll see if anyone's "disappointed" from my actions today.  It's a bold move since it's Friday and most people don't do such things over the weekend.  Whatever. I'm enjoying it.  (This whole paragraph isn't's just a prelude to my next post. So remember this.)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.  One of my dear friends and I have often joked that men must put some kind of GPS tracker into girls they really like.  It seems as if just as that girl starts to move onto the next one, he starts calling and questioning---showing extreme bouts of interest.  It ALWAYS throws me off.  It happens way to often for me.  Yesterday's phone fiascoes occur more than once every blue moon.  My phone blows up when I'm happily involved with someone else.  Guys from my past call with stories about "missing" me, how we could be so happy together or how great of a person I am.  Thanks guys but I've moved on SUCKAS! *sticks out tongue and shakes fanny*

As I was dancing in the mirror, it all made sense.  I seem to be that great outfit these guys aren't ready to hang up or give away.  Sometimes, boys, you have to give up certain clothes.  You outgrow them.  They aren't in season.  (Since I'm a classic, I'm always in season. haha) There's a better outfit out there for you, for the occasion.

Debug the GPS trackers.  Hang up the outfit that once worked. Let go.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

I Like Him---

Yesterday I had a date with Calvin "Mr. Just Like Me" and it was the first real date we've had in a month.  We have seen each since then though.  On average, we see each other once a week and talk at least once a day.  Honestly, I didn't mind that we weren't giving our money to the man just so we could have a couple hours of dating.  I enjoy his company regardless of where we are.  I'm actually more of a homebody than most would know so I prefer to get creative rather than spending money. 

All that to say. . .nothing.  LOL!  Anyway, back to our date night.  We decided a long time ago that we wanted to see this particular movie.  This was supposed to be him taking me out.  However, I arrived at the movie before he did so I just purchased the tickets and patiently waited for him. (He's an habitually late person.  On our first date, he was 45 minutes late picking me up.) Nonetheless, when he finally arrived, a huge smile marked my face.  I felt like I hadn't seen him in years and he looked so cute.  He had no idea I purchased the tickets and started walking toward the counter when I slyly flashed the stubs in his face.  He was so happy then proceeded to say "Aww boo you bought the tickets but this was me taking you out so I'm going to give you your money back."  I told him it wasn't that big of a deal and we walked into the theatre.  (It's really not that big of a deal. Besides, he is one of those guys that like to feel appreciated from time to time so I make attempts to make him feel like I care for him as much as I say.)

This was our third time going on a movie date.  During the first movie we didn't talk much but that is when we kissed for the first time.  It was quick and dirty, kind of like him getting it out of the way.  The second movie was a romantic comedy so the only time we really talked was when we would exchange flirtatious sayings from the movie.  This being only the third time I didn't know what to expect.  I was sure he probably wasn't going to speak much and we'd spend much of our time laughing.  However, I was completely wrong.  He talked my ear off during the previews.  I even found him being touchy-feely. He's not the mushy type so I was kind of blown away.  All throughout the movie, we talked, exchanged jokes, touched and kissed.  It was a great movie experience even though the movie wasn't as funny as we expected.  Afterwards, we parted ways. 

Here's where my problem comes.  (Like I seriously think I have a real problem...)  I wanted to go home with him and just cuddle.  No sex or anything...just enjoying the moment and being in his company.  I realize, I like this guy more than he knows.  I'm not sure if it's a convenience factor or if it's because he so unlike any other guy I've ever dated OR if it's because I see me in him.  I think I get it now.  It's not that we aren't on the same page about where this is going (well maybe a little bit) but Calvin just really wants to take his time.  He wants to get it right.  He wants to make sure I'm worth it.  In the end, I just have to keep being myself.  No need to nag him about our status or a title.  I'm not really ready for all of that yet.  I need to learn above all other things just to date.  He's shown his interest.  I've shown mine.  We're attracted to each other in more ways than one.  He constantly brings me up to his family and friends. (More than I can say I do. :-/) He's just a great guy and I'm a great girl....we are just 2 great people, enjoying great times. And it's just THAT simple.

*heart smile*


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Possibly A Lost Soul---

The very first time I saw him (Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate) there was this unexplainable chemistry between us.  He had a smile that lit up the whole room.  If you know me, you know that I can be a sucker for a great smile.  He was very professional and I appreciated it.  The next couple of months we exchanged flirtatious comments and looks.  I so desperately wanted him to ask for my number since I was never the aggressive type.  I played it cool and made sure I looked casually cute every day at work.  It wasn't until nearly four months after our initial meeting did he show interest.  What gave?!  I showed interest first. I bought him a Christmas card (hoping he wasn't a Jehovah Witness) and some chocolate.  The chocolate was an IOU from a time I took some candy from him.  He blushed....felt special...hesitantly asked me for my number. We played phone tag for the first couple of days and finally we talked (at 8:00 am).  We had a pretty GREAT initial conversation.  So much so, we continued to talk throughout the rest of the day.  By the time 5:00 pm rolled around, it was as if we had known each other for years. 

This is when we had the "white sauce" conversation.  This conversation was quite possibly, in my mind, the breakthrough conversation.  It was at this point we realized our attraction was deeper than the both of us.  That day we had discussed the initials (educational and social background information) as well as our love for Jay Z, our thoughts on the best rapper, his coworkers and political events.  We had talked so much that one would assume we would've been bored with each or ran out of things to say.  BUT NOOOOOOO....somehow we got on the topic of white sauces and we both shared an extremely passionate disdain for them.  It was so weird.  We seemed to agree on everything without having to give much explanation.  It was simply amazing!  And guess what?!?!!  He and I talked every weekday for the following 3 months.  It was like clockwork.  There was always a morning call, afternoon texts, a potential lunch call and an after work ride home call. We never got sick of each other.  (You may be wondering how I could speak so surely about his feelings...well other than the fact that he had no problem voicing his feelings for me, his actions spoke louder than words when it came to me. I never doubted once that he liked me.) 

Unfortunately, there is one major detail I'm leaving out. About a week into our phone conversations, I made a joke about him having a boo and he didn't laugh as much as I anticipated.  This was a red flag for me.  He laughed at all my jokes.  Why wasn't this one funny?  So I probed, as any over-analytical person would do...then he revealed that he had a girlfriend! I was shocked above anything else.  He explained their relationship and from what I understood, he was planning on breaking up with her.  (Well that explains what took him so long to ask me for my number.  But why did he even ask me for my number in the FIRST place?!?!)  I was pissed. How dare he unlock my heart and take a piece of my soul while holding someone else's heart in his right hand?????

The crazy part about all of this is I couldn't stay mad too long.  I started thinking positively and figured that all he said was true.  He'd eventually be broken up with her and we'd ride off into the sunset together hand in hand on white horses.  Too bad I was wrong.  Too bad I trusted his word so much.  Too bad he didn't break up with the dinosaur looking girl who he coincidentally met the same day I met Keith "Mr. Not Ever".  I guess I was so sure about his words since his relationship with her mirrored my relationship with Keith.  The only difference is that she had a stronger hold on him than he wanted to admit and that he was "comfortable".  He had grown used to her and somehow he'd settle for marrying someone who may never be his best friend. (<---his words not mine)

That's one of the few traits that seemed to disturb me about him.  He liked his comfort zone.  He had become comfortable with not only her but his career, his lifestyle, his habits, his expectations.  He lacked that thirst and hunger for life that many guys younger than him seemed to still have.  The funny thing in all of this is that the typical person who's known him for years would never say that.  I knew him well enough to tell him and he understood himself enough to agree.  The funnier thing is that I inspired him to break out of that comfort zone.  For example, he reexamined his career goals and is now taking graduate classes in pursuit of some more letters behind his name.

We would have been so great together.  We had built a strong open friendship that allowed each of us to share some of our innermost insecurities without feeling judged or ridiculed.  Too many times we'd complete each others sentences.  Even when we disagreed, we did so in a jokingly calm way.  We weren't competing to dominate the relationship.  We were extremely attracted to each other.  He even said that his future sons would go to Morehouse.  That statement alone made my heart smile beyond measure.  We knew what the other was feeling without probing.  We could always sense it.  The feelings I felt for him or even when I was with him were a bit surreal. 

I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged.  :-/ My hope is that I'm not a completely lost soul wandering around these streets looking to fill a spot that had already been temporarily occupied.  My friends keep telling me that he wasn't my far, I beg to differ.  But hey not every person marries his/her soulmate.  Somehow they find someone they genuinely love and care for and make it work for the best.  I surely hope that's not how my marriage turns out (if I choose to get married).

The good part in it all. . .there is always a lesson learned.  Through my experiences with Brian "Mr. Soulmate", I learned quite a bit about myself.  Since I'm familiar with the feeling, I know what I want in my potential mate, friendship above all things.  I know that I cannot function in a relationship that lacks open and honest communication.  I'm learning to take the truth more and realize that some things just aren't meant to be. . .maybe.

Who knows?!? Brian and I might meet up some place in the future after our mates have passed away....after the kids have grown up....after we have accomplished all of our major goals...and then spend the rest of lives together....It may not be 50 years but 5 years with Brian would be better than none.

~Romantiful (hopefully NOT a lost soul...still scared of lonely)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Soul Glow- - -

The other day I had a conversation with another one of my hopeless romantic friends and she told me about the possibility of her new boo.  (Yeah I know it's lame BUT my friends and I talk about possible boos all the time.) Anyway, I mustn't digress.  She told me about how persistent this guy was being but how she had reservations because he was shorter than she'd like him to be, not as cute as his friend, an alpha and a Muslim. So it dawned on me during my conversation with her that WE (people in general) are entirely TOO obsessed with the physical.  Here my friend is just looking for love like the rest of us sensible people out here and she, like so many of us, concentrated on what she didn't like about him immediately.  She later mentioned that he was a nice guy and that he actually took the time to plan dates for them and call her instead of texting.  (Hey that's an important trait in this day and age.) Of all the issues she had with him, the only one that I could understand being a problem would be the Muslim one.  I can see how religion might come in the way of leading a healthy life (down the line) with someone especially when it comes to raising children.

BUT why are we so obsessed with the physical????

I get it...that's our initial attraction to someone.  It helps you stay interested.  No one ever wants to be with someone who doesn't look good, generally speaking.  But all those old sayings about beauty hold true. "Beauty fades." "Beauty's only skin deep." "Beauty's in the eye of the beholder."  Who are we trying to impress anyway?  If it's not ourselves, what difference does it make?

Now onto why this frustrated me so. . .

I am a firm believer in soulmates.  (Just as most hopeless romantics are.) When I think about that one person who compliments me in a way no one else can or ever will, I admittedly do NOT imagine his physical attributes.  Yes of course I'd like him to be attractive but when I think about who he is and what he represents, I am by no means thinking about the world's next sex symbol.  So then it dawned on me, why is it that when we describe a person we like to our friends we start with the physical?  Why is it that we are more inclined to give our number to those who look the best?  It's frustrating...especially since damn near 90% of us will be fugly by the age of 50.  (Personally, I'm going for the World's Best MILF award at around 50.)

All in all, let's take a step back people.  Let's all examine the soul before we get caught up in the physical.  Once you know the person, he/she always looks 10x better to you anyway.  Besides, once you truly know them, it doesn't even matter what anyone else has to say about your partner because he/she will be the best thing to you since sliced bread.  Just think about it...the beautiful couples never stay together for real (Halle and Eric, Brad and Jennifer, Usher and Chilli, Nick and Jessica).  Now I'm not saying eliminate your's a must that YOU are attracted to this person...all I ask is that when you go promoting that person to your family and friends make sure you say things that make his/her soullllllllll glooooowwww!  After all, it's all about the person within.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

No Contact- - -

So I told one of my dearest friends about my dilemna and as usual she offered her advice.  Now I must say that my friend is pretty logical and intelligent. Although I rarely take advice from others, I readily hear her out and analyze her opinions to see how they can benefit me.  This time, however, we were on two totally different ends.  (And this is where our personalities differ.) She's more of an adventurous, go with the flow, free-spirited type and I'm more of the traditional, emotionally attached type.  This mindset applies to most of our views on life's most important things (i.e. careers, friends, futures but mostly importantly LOVE). 

In regards to my dilemna, she suggested that I go a few months without talking to the opposite sex in any way other than platonic. (My initial facial reaction: o_O and My first thought: ''She must be outside her mind!'') I continued to listen as she attempted to tell me that I was "selling myself short" and I needed some "alone time".  Her argument was that ever since my breakup with Keith (aka "Mr. Not Ever") I continued to date.  She said I needed to spend some time with myself, as in no dating, no mingling, no talking on the phone, no cuddling, loving or *ucking! (Yep, she's crazy right!?!? Who does that??? Only lonely bitches and virgins. . .and it's usually NOT by choice)  She continued to try and prove her point and reasoning but I just could not hear the rest.  We got off the phone abruptly and I haven't talked to her since.

After thinking about her advice for a couple of days, I must admit that some of it was true.  I have been selling myself short.  I am SUCH a hopeless romantic that I continue to get wrapped up in the "thought" of love or the "possibility" of romance.  Consequently, when I like someone, I tend to give them my all because of this.  I become jaded from the truths that are in front of my face.  I make excuses for why things didn't go my way, usually blaming myself.  I OVERanalyze. I basically ruin any potential for a good thing before it develops. 

That being said, I vow from this day forward to just take my time.  I'm not the one planning the wedding before our first date but I am the one getting uberexcited about the possibilities before I know the person.  I attract really GREAT guys (go figure...haha) and I need to just take it slow.  Sorry friend, I can't do no contact...then I'd be you. LOL!  BUT I can guard my heart a little more and treat each guy as a platonic friend.  That'll work best.  (Now I just need to find a cut buddy....)


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My Dilemna- - -

The story goes there's this one girl me who likes more than one guy but her my heart isn't strong enough to pursue more than one at a time.  So what's she to do?!  Narrow it down.

I'll give you my her top three..........(in no particular order, of course)

Numero Uno: Calvin "Mr. Just Like Me"
(Stats: Business Man, Hilarious, Understanding, Incredibly Adorable, Muscularly Scrumptious Body, Independent Thinker and Dominant Alpha Male)

~Calvin is one of the newer guys.  He caught her attention from the very first time she laid eyes on him.  Her friend had tried to hook her up with someone else but it was Calvin she was most physically attracted to.  She played it cool the whole night....acting herself and having fun.  (I read somewhere guys like that so kudos to  Then Calvin made his move.  Numbers were well as lots of flirting.  They left each other that night with a strong interest in one another and a guaranteed date within a couple of days. The date was horrible! (At least it started that way....) Somehow, more dates were scheduled....she saw Calvin on a regular basis for the next three months.  They were both physically, intellectually and emotionally attracted to each other.  Laughing was their favorite past time. Sarcasm was their best friend. (Now I could tell you all the negatives about Calvin but what fun would that be?!??)  Let's just say that as time passes, she grows more attracted to him and wishes to share him with no one else.  She voices this to him....well kind of...and she soon realizes that she and Calvin are NOT on the same page. What's she to do now!?

Numero Dos: Eugene "Mr. Got It Together"
(Stats: Consultant, Swanky Condo in Favorite City, Not Interested in Marriage Till Over 30, 4 Years Her Senior, Pursuing MBA at Top Tier School, Cute and Wise)

~Eugene and Romantiful met in July 2007 at a professional gathering with mutual friends.  He was the "let's talk in a loud setting" type and she was the "I don't feel like being bothered" type.  He asked for her number and she complied.  That summer they spent a couple of days together but nothing too serious to write home to mom about. She went back to school and he stayed there. They maintained contact but nothing too serious....always constant flirting, though.  In June 2008, she visited the city again and he was one of her priorities.  ...only to find out that he had been in a relationship with someone for a couple of months... Hurt?!? MUCH! She got over him and the thought of possibly being with someone who complemented her well. He remained in his relationship nearly 2 yrs! (She had a boyfriend in the meantime...Keith "Mr. Not Ever", who will be addressed in a later blog) They constantly exchanged jokes about their futures, potential kids and the likes but never had a chance to pursue it.  Just recently, Eugene (who lives 500 miles away) expressed sincere interest in seeing where their attraction could take them. What's she to do now?

Numero Tres: Xavier "Mr. You're My Little Secret"
(Stats: Workaholic, Better Looking With Hats On, Smile To Die For, Persistent, Amiable, Educated Bad Boy, Adventurous and Excellent Lover)

~They met at a mutual friend's house. They didn't initially start talking.  It took him about 2 months to make a move on her.  When he did, he used facebook as his tool.  He reached out to her in a very dominating way, insisting he needed to talk to her because he was just THAT interested. She gave him her number and that next night they sat on the phone for 4 hours!!! She enjoyed his conversations most of all.  He had a way of making her open up and helping her discovery parts of herself she had never exposed before.  Just when she started to care deeply for him, she finds out he had a girlfriend! :-O She retreats...he finally tells her...She ignores him...They finally talk again... They had a scheduled date and he missed it.  He stood her up! (There's a first for everything)  He called her for the next 2 weeks straight (multiple times a day) before she answered. She heard him out but insisted it would not work between them.  He betrayed her trust and that's the one thing she valued most. They dated other people...but always keep in contact. Then they started having sex. BIG MISTAKE! She longed for his penis more than his conversations. They parted ways....and things still remain the same.  There's this undying attraction there because they never got a chance to pursue something quite so real. But she could never do long distance and they'll probably never live in the same city again. He's quite possibly the only skeleton in her closet. What's she to do now?!

HELP A GIRL OUT!!! Romantiful is thinking of dropping them all together. Each of them offer qualities she longs for in a soulmate. (Yes, she believes in soulmates...that'll be a post for another day.) It's possible to overcome some emotional feats to see a brighter future with her and one of them riding away into the sunset together.  But what is she to do now?!?!

***This post written by Romantiful's friend***

Just Getting Started- - -

Soooo after a couple of days of contemplation, I'm deciding to give this blog thing a try.  There are a number of reasons but most importantly, I hate physical writing.  I would love to keep a journal but my right hand hates the idea of such a task.  She fights with me every time we get to page 2.  Now I must admit....I write kind of big so page 2 for me is probably half a page for someone else.  Since my hand and I disagree on the act of writing, at least my left hand can help in this blogging process. :)

That being said, let's start with a little about me.  I'm a hopeless romantic who tends to see the jar as half full when it comes to my love life.  I'm pretty analytical so I am well aware of my current love life status, which in itself is hopeless....(and there goes my "little")

On another note, my intentions with this blog are to convey my true feelings on love with every post I type.  Hopefully, my stories remind you of yours and we can all come together and share our views and takes on love.  I will warn you; however, I am a bit of a cornball. So while I intend to write from my heart and my funny bone, you may not laugh.  I guarantee I will though and that's all that matters, right!??!? Ok ok...maybe not. Anyhow, I hope you're just as excited as I am about this journey.

Just a hopeless romantic....scared of lonely.