Pendulum- - -

One of the few definitions for the word pendulum is "something that changes its position, attitude, etc fairly regularly".  As a result, that word is an excellent word that perfectly describes something that has been plaguing my relationships as I know it. . .my mood swings.  While all of my relationships have been affected, I will only discuss my most recent occurrences of my devil living within. 

It seems as if my mood swings has been a topic of discussion quite frequently in the past week or so.  The first time it came up I was skyping one of my little sisters, who I often affectionately call my daughter.  We were discussing my "situation" with Calvin.  She asked why we weren't gf/bf yet and I told her I didn't know.  I knew I wasn't going to bring it up but I was ready.  She asked if I had relayed that message to him, if he knew without a doubt that I liked him and wanted to be with him.  Well he does, I answered.  She asked if I was sure because as she put it "your mood swings can make you hard to read." I laughed it off and tried not to pay any attention to it. Just a couple of days later, I was in Atlanta catching up with one of my close friends and somehow she started talking about my mood swings as well. I forget exactly what was said or how it came up but I remember discussing it. 

And just last night, Calvin and I had a talk about my mood swings.  He told me that I was an emotional roller coaster and that he couldn't put up with it.  Yes, I was in a mood so that made it even worse.  What? Was he trying to end this (whatever this is) right then right there?!?! I became even more annoying and moody.  It wasn't a good look.  Then all I could think about was how he said he couldn't put up with who I am.  It truly hurt my feelings since I really like this guy.  I see the potential for a great relationship with him.  I think we compliment each other well and everything.  I had been sensitive, yes.  My mood had changed, yes.  But this was not how I planned to act for the rest of the night. He later told me that when I get like "that" I'm no fun to be around.  (It's not the first time I heard that.) We went on with the night trying to act our normal selves but it wouldn't work.  It was clear that I was thinking too much and it was obvious he wasn't enjoying himself with me.  I wanted to go home right then and I should have.  Too bad I didn't.  We went to bed, without sex (which he turned down....and he never does that). I tried to cuddle during the night and he wouldn't let up.  At one point I believe he pushed me away.  Not a good look.  I couldn't sleep at all.  Around 5 am, I woke up.  After trying to go back to sleep every 10 minutes, I decided to just leave his house at 6 am, which is about 30 minutes earlier than usual.  I put my clothes on...went to kiss him goodbye and he would not move.  He stuck his hand out and I tapped it.  That was it....I won't see him again possibly until next Wednesday.  He's going to his homecoming this weekend.  And that's how we said goodbye!

So now I've been thinking about this whole thing.  My mood swings.  My emotions.  My sensitivity.  These are all some of my character traits that I absolutely can't stand about myself.  Sometimes I do get in these funks and sulk.  Sometimes I can be really rude and mean.  Sometimes I don't feel like being bothered.  But how can I continue to let these flaws affect my relationships so greatly!?!?!  Those closest to me have learned to just not say anything when I am going through my moods.  They stay away and don't take it personal. 

While these are some of my character flaws, I will say that I am generally happy 98% of the time.  It's that 2% that's just so volatile that many can't and choose not to put up with.  I really wish I could control these emotions....at least long enough for Calvin to learn me better and realize that they aren't who I am.  I wish that I could rid myself of the pendulum moods.  They have affected way too many relationships and I'm sick of it.  Please someone help me before I lose a good thing.

~Romantiful