Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Breaks and Spaces---

Well I could see this coming for the last two weeks almost.  Today Calvin decided that he wanted to take a break.  There's no visitation and decreased communication.  The goal is to take some time to let all of this built up tension die down and hopefully come together and be happy again.  I know what you're thinking....man that was fast.  Well not really.  We've been dating nearly 9 months and we've had some wonderful times together.  However, this month has been the pits.  I mean just terrible. We've gotten more involved in heated discussions than we have had happy moments.

I've been trying to analyze the situation (a little too much he would say).  I'll admit that me being over analytical has been too much for either of us to handle.  I'm killing my own joy.  I can't enjoy his jokes, the sex, his presence.  It's not the usual.  It's quite ridiculous on my part.  I've never let my emotions come in the way of such a great thing before. 

My hope for this break is that I will get back to my happy place.  The idea is that he'll miss me much and we'll come together and be amazing together.  Breaks aren't usually good things.  Often the guy or girl find themselves trying to "live it up" like they would if they were completely single.  I sincerely doubt this will happen with us. 

This break gives us the right amount of space needed to think things through and come together again.  I'm optimistic about this.  Plus, it'll give me a chance to focus on me and my completion of those applications.  I'm on it!

Ok, I don't feel so sad anymore.  I knew this blog would help me get through some trying times.  Thank you!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Feud and Frustration---

Wow!  It's been forever since I wrote a new post.  I guess I have been so wrapped up in my life that I let nearly two months go by without even saying hi.  Not cool.  I promise I won't do that again.  Sooooo HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! :)

When I first created this blog, my intention was for it to be cathartic.  I was going to use it instead of telling my business so often and getting too many people involved in my love life.  I've done really well since its inception and rarely have I turned to my friends for advice that usually doesn't really apply to me or my situation.  No offense to my friends.  I am just convinced that no one knows my situation and life better than.....well better than me!

So this post is no different.  I wanted to get some things off of my mind without consulting anyone else.  I know for a fact that everything that has been going through my head have been things that I should not be thinking about.  Anyway, so here it goes. . .

I haven't really posted because things in my love life have been better than harmonious (if that's possible).  Calvin and I have been going strong.  I've been satisfied with our relationship and all that I've learned about him and myself in the process.  However, recently we have not been meshing well.  I'm not sure what it is.  I've been trying too hard to figure it out.  TOO hard! I'm thinking that I've been extra sensitive.  This emotional insecurity has lead me to paint these overly exaggerated pictures in my head about what could be going on.  One thought is that he might be cheating on me....not physically.  I by no means believe that BUT I do believe he may be keeping contact with some girls from his past that shouldn't be in his life.  Now don't ask me why I've been thinking this but I have been.  With these thoughts come my overemotional analysis and friction. I'm jeopardizing our relationship as I know it. 

This has been really hard for me.  I like this guy a lot.  I want nothing but the best for us but I can't seem to get out of this relationship funk.  And I am 100% positive that it's turning him completely off and pushing him away.  It's making me really sad even as I type this.  It's only been 8 months and I understand no one will know all there is to know about a person.  I just feel like there are better ways to deal with this.  By this, I have NO idea what I am speaking of.  Nothing really has happened....just a change in our attitudes.  I'm trying my hardest not to read so negatively into it.  I need help y'all.  The chemistry is diminishing.  Feuds are increasing.  Frustration is at an all time high.  How do I address this?!  How can I change the course of our relationship for the better?!  Help me.  Someone.  Anyone. 

Ok. . .maybe I'll just pray about it and get it into my head that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.  Yeah that's it. Let go and let God.  Ok. Woosah.