Yesterday was Calvin and I's date night. We didn't really go out, per se, but we did see each other. Since Calvin has an extreme case of sarcasm (which is often interpreted as rude), I bet him the day before that he could not go 24 hours with saying one sarcastic thing to me. We talked throughout the work day via bbm and he seemed so sensitive and compassionate, both traits that dominate my personality. I really enjoyed the day without his sarcasm. Although, at times, I missed the variety it added to the conversation. I would try to trap him with a super smart comment and all he would reply was a simple okay and not say anything at all. Cool. I guess. No fun though. Regardless of this, it was a good day emotionally for me. He couldn't use his sarcasm as a disguise of his true feelings and I appreciated the day of honesty that came with it.
The bet was that if he didn't say one sarcastic thing to me I had to do 50 push ups for him. (Now I know that sounds like nothing BUT it's a lot for me. There are two exercises I completely hate, running and push ups. It's because I don't do either well. My boobs are too big to enjoy running and my upper body is too weak to enjoy push ups.) He's often teased me for having such little arms and constantly tells me to do push ups. I showed him once what my push up looked like, he laughed and called it pitiful. No harm, no foul. They are pitiful. I shy away from them as a result. So when he said 50 push ups, that sounded like torture for me. On the other hand, if I won then he would have to cook for me.
I lost. :-( So yesterday he told me to come over in my workout gear. Fine. I get there ready to do 50 push ups and then he starts telling me other stuff to do. He said he wanted to "warm (me) up." HA! Needless to say, I did my part and some. In the end, we both did the last 25 push ups together and some ab work. It was great. Then we went to watch Kevin Hart. We laughed. We enjoyed each other but it was starting to get late. He said "So are you spending the night or what?" I said "No." He said "Fine then leave. It's past my bedtime." Now all of this was in his normal sarcastic/rude ass tone so I didn't take him that serious. I stayed for another half hour before he told me he was sleepy. Then I said I'd stay and he said "No leave. You don't want to be here. It's fine. Just go." So what'd I do?! I put my shoes on and walked towards the door. He asked for a hug and I walked up to him without extended arms and he said "What's wrong with you?" I said "You're kicking me out." (This is a scene we've been through before.) After an exchange of words, he said "You're such a girl. You're so damn sensitive. You are a girly-girl. I never date girly-girls. I guess I have to get used to it." My heart smiled a bit and I said "Why do you have to get used to it?" He rolled his eyes and said "Ok guess not." I smacked my lips and turned around to walk out. He grabbed me, made a deep sigh and said "Because you're the girl that I'm dealing with. You're just so sensitive." I said "Is that a bad thing? People change." He said "People rarely change especially not for someone else. If people change it's because they want to." I said "So is that a bad thing? Is my sensitivity a bad thing?" He said "Listen, it's late. I'm not going into that conversation with you. Goodnight." I turned around and walked my sensitive ass to my car.
So the thing is...he and I had a similar conversation about my sensitivity before when we attempted to lay out what we want from each other. He said he wanted me to be "less mushy, less analytical and less sensitive." Anyone who knows me knows that all of those characteristics define who I am. I am an emotional, over-analytical, romantically sensitive sap. I am the definition of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I would go great lengths to please the people I love. I care very much about making people happy. Every now and again I like to feel appreciated and loved. I want you to not only show that but tell me. If you don't, I start to over-analyze. I start questioning everything that has been done or said. If you know anything about Cancers, I am one in every sense of the word. Taken from iloveindia.com, "When in love, she will be tender, womanly, timid and modest. She dislikes criticisms, can't stand rejection and gets deeply hurt by harsh words. Too much aggressiveness on your part may make her a little hesitant." This is who I am. I would be more than happy to change it IF I saw a problem with it. I must admit that I used to have issues with my sensitivity. I tried so hard to conceal it. I wouldn't let anyone close to me for fear of being too vulnerable. In some ways I'm still like that. I use sarcasm and laughter as my shell. So on the surface, I can come across as a bit cold, very sarcastic sometimes a tad bitchy. That was my way of changing it. I'm either overly sensitive or overly sarcastic.
He knows this. He knew it from the first time we met. We had a conversation that next day on the phone and he told me then that he could tell I was using my sarcasm as a shell. As far as he could see, I was nothing but mush on the inside. Well, sir, I'm pretty consistent. He just knows me more now so that "mush" is shown and when my sarcasm is used he says I'm being a jerk or an asshole. So how can I win? Is there a such thing as being too sensitive? I'm not insecure so I don't think I'm too sensitive. I just don't respond well to harsh remarks, criticisms or rejection. Don't do those things and I won't be so sensitive. Now how do I communicate this with him. I don't want to give him my weak points. LOL. I don't think he'll use them against me later; I just rather not expose myself so much. haha.
Oh and I forgot to tell you. I think he's as sensitive as me. The only difference is he has mastered the art of concealing it. He dates girls who are not mushes which helps him conceal it even more. It is my belief that you can not read a person as well as he's read me unless you are like them or you've been with someone who was. Since he hasn't dated a girl like me, his words not mine, it's safe to assume the former. I think he's scared of showing his sensitivity. However, if he does, that might lead to a very intense relationship, which could be good or bad. But knowing us, I'm thinking it'll be nothing but good. We would learn a couple of things from each other, sort of like balancing it all out. Now how do I relay this information to him? Be mindful that he is a very dominant, mysterious male (He's a Scorpio, btw) that doesn't like to be exposed or not be in charge. Go Figure. lol
SO WHAT DO I DO???
~Romantifully Sensitive :-(
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