I know I know....I said I would start blogging more. It's much harder than you would imagine....especially since I never expected to write on here everyday. It just kind of happened that way in the beginning because I was super excited to start something new. Ever since then this space has been used solely for cathartic purposes. And you know what?! I'm completely ok with that.
Now on to why I came here today. . .I've been having some SERIOUS reflective thoughts and conversations about what love is recently. (Sidenote....Calvin and I just recently exchanged "I Love You"s) So before I could truly say those words to him I felt the need to re-evaluate my definition of the term. While my specific definition hasn't been ironed out yet, I must say that I knew I was in love because there was a supreme feeling I felt for this man that I have never in my life felt for anyone else. I mean....I thought that I was in love before...at least twice. But after evaluating those relationships, I'd say I was probably in love maybe once. Since I was so young it doesn't count either way.
Anyway, so I think I've known for a couple of weeks now that I've loved this man. Maybe because I would do all types of ish that made no type of sense. But quite possibly the most promising event that defined my love for this man occurred just recently. He and I had not been seeing eye to eye for a couple of days and on this particular day I decided I was going to not communicate. He reached out to me first. I couldn't help but to respond....I'm cordial you know?! Then he told me he heard some good news regarding his future career aspirations. I called him so he could tell me the story and guess what????? I CRIED! I really shed tears....I felt so proud and happy. At that very moment I totally forgot I was trying not to talk to him and get away from his sarcastic overkill attitude. I escaped into the land of dreams and wanted nothing more than to express my sincere happiness for him.
So you might be thinking "So what?!? You were happy for him...big deal." I say to you "No no no grasshopper....It's a HUGE deal." See, I have the capability to sulk even in good times. I can maintain a mood swing better than anyone I know. And just for one second, my mood changed from anger to joy without switching back. My feelings were no longer about the petty things we had been arguing about....they became centered on his joy, his success, his happiness. It was kind of weird when I thought about it after the fact. I've been happy for people and their accomplishments before but I was so moved to the point of tears. I don't think I have yet experienced that type of pride for myself...let alone others.
All that to say, my love is selfless. It surpasses any hurt feelings or pain my mind may be trying to hold on to. My heart is now allowing me to love....and love unconditionally. I will try my best to do just that. I love him and there's no where else to go from here but up. :-)