Ever since Calvin and I have been official we have attempted to set a theme for each month. This month, though corny, our theme is "Love. Peace. Soul." We are working to unconventionally show our love, to obtain unspeakable peace, and to experience those things that will draw our souls nearer. The only problem is I have yet to define love.
Love is no longer what I thought it was. I actually feel something deep in my heart for him that I have never felt before. It's so weird that not even I can put it into words. However, when I try to define it I become scared. And just today I realized that I am afraid to fall in love with this man. I'm scared of the possibility. My brain keeps sending positive happy feelings to my heart while my heart attempts to block them.
So as I started thinking about this thing called love, I understood a little better how it was so easy for me to feel afraid. Crazy thought I know BUT we must all understand that with love comes fear. It's as simple a concept as God and the devil. (It's almost like that one law of physics....for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.) However, these things don't quite balance each other out. Once you believe in God, it should be hard for the devil to tempt you. The same is true for love. Once you are enthralled in it, fear should be the farthest thought from your mind. Or should it?!
Well for me it currently isn't and as I do some much needed introspection this month I wish to define my love that is absent of fear. I want to love and not be afraid of pain. I want to be vulnerable and not even think about being hurt. Before I can truly romantically love someone else, I must wholeheartedly love myself. As I continue on this journey, I am getting closer to truly loving myself. Once I love myself, I mean really LOVE myself (the kind of love where I trust my thoughts, my intuitions.....the kind of love where I have no regrets....the kind of love that is an expression of being a child of God) then and only then can I truly love someone else.
So while my brain says yes....my heart says wait a minute. And that's what I'm doing. There's no need to try and hurry defining love. I'll just take my time and love will define itself. I'm sure.