Well I could see this coming for the last two weeks almost. Today Calvin decided that he wanted to take a break. There's no visitation and decreased communication. The goal is to take some time to let all of this built up tension die down and hopefully come together and be happy again. I know what you're thinking....man that was fast. Well not really. We've been dating nearly 9 months and we've had some wonderful times together. However, this month has been the pits. I mean just terrible. We've gotten more involved in heated discussions than we have had happy moments.
I've been trying to analyze the situation (a little too much he would say). I'll admit that me being over analytical has been too much for either of us to handle. I'm killing my own joy. I can't enjoy his jokes, the sex, his presence. It's not the usual. It's quite ridiculous on my part. I've never let my emotions come in the way of such a great thing before.
My hope for this break is that I will get back to my happy place. The idea is that he'll miss me much and we'll come together and be amazing together. Breaks aren't usually good things. Often the guy or girl find themselves trying to "live it up" like they would if they were completely single. I sincerely doubt this will happen with us.
This break gives us the right amount of space needed to think things through and come together again. I'm optimistic about this. Plus, it'll give me a chance to focus on me and my completion of those applications. I'm on it!
Ok, I don't feel so sad anymore. I knew this blog would help me get through some trying times. Thank you!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Feud and Frustration---
Wow! It's been forever since I wrote a new post. I guess I have been so wrapped up in my life that I let nearly two months go by without even saying hi. Not cool. I promise I won't do that again. Sooooo HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! :)
When I first created this blog, my intention was for it to be cathartic. I was going to use it instead of telling my business so often and getting too many people involved in my love life. I've done really well since its inception and rarely have I turned to my friends for advice that usually doesn't really apply to me or my situation. No offense to my friends. I am just convinced that no one knows my situation and life better than.....well better than me!
So this post is no different. I wanted to get some things off of my mind without consulting anyone else. I know for a fact that everything that has been going through my head have been things that I should not be thinking about. Anyway, so here it goes. . .
I haven't really posted because things in my love life have been better than harmonious (if that's possible). Calvin and I have been going strong. I've been satisfied with our relationship and all that I've learned about him and myself in the process. However, recently we have not been meshing well. I'm not sure what it is. I've been trying too hard to figure it out. TOO hard! I'm thinking that I've been extra sensitive. This emotional insecurity has lead me to paint these overly exaggerated pictures in my head about what could be going on. One thought is that he might be cheating on me....not physically. I by no means believe that BUT I do believe he may be keeping contact with some girls from his past that shouldn't be in his life. Now don't ask me why I've been thinking this but I have been. With these thoughts come my overemotional analysis and friction. I'm jeopardizing our relationship as I know it.
This has been really hard for me. I like this guy a lot. I want nothing but the best for us but I can't seem to get out of this relationship funk. And I am 100% positive that it's turning him completely off and pushing him away. It's making me really sad even as I type this. It's only been 8 months and I understand no one will know all there is to know about a person. I just feel like there are better ways to deal with this. By this, I have NO idea what I am speaking of. Nothing really has happened....just a change in our attitudes. I'm trying my hardest not to read so negatively into it. I need help y'all. The chemistry is diminishing. Feuds are increasing. Frustration is at an all time high. How do I address this?! How can I change the course of our relationship for the better?! Help me. Someone. Anyone.
Ok. . .maybe I'll just pray about it and get it into my head that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. Yeah that's it. Let go and let God. Ok. Woosah.
When I first created this blog, my intention was for it to be cathartic. I was going to use it instead of telling my business so often and getting too many people involved in my love life. I've done really well since its inception and rarely have I turned to my friends for advice that usually doesn't really apply to me or my situation. No offense to my friends. I am just convinced that no one knows my situation and life better than.....well better than me!
So this post is no different. I wanted to get some things off of my mind without consulting anyone else. I know for a fact that everything that has been going through my head have been things that I should not be thinking about. Anyway, so here it goes. . .
I haven't really posted because things in my love life have been better than harmonious (if that's possible). Calvin and I have been going strong. I've been satisfied with our relationship and all that I've learned about him and myself in the process. However, recently we have not been meshing well. I'm not sure what it is. I've been trying too hard to figure it out. TOO hard! I'm thinking that I've been extra sensitive. This emotional insecurity has lead me to paint these overly exaggerated pictures in my head about what could be going on. One thought is that he might be cheating on me....not physically. I by no means believe that BUT I do believe he may be keeping contact with some girls from his past that shouldn't be in his life. Now don't ask me why I've been thinking this but I have been. With these thoughts come my overemotional analysis and friction. I'm jeopardizing our relationship as I know it.
This has been really hard for me. I like this guy a lot. I want nothing but the best for us but I can't seem to get out of this relationship funk. And I am 100% positive that it's turning him completely off and pushing him away. It's making me really sad even as I type this. It's only been 8 months and I understand no one will know all there is to know about a person. I just feel like there are better ways to deal with this. By this, I have NO idea what I am speaking of. Nothing really has happened....just a change in our attitudes. I'm trying my hardest not to read so negatively into it. I need help y'all. The chemistry is diminishing. Feuds are increasing. Frustration is at an all time high. How do I address this?! How can I change the course of our relationship for the better?! Help me. Someone. Anyone.
Ok. . .maybe I'll just pray about it and get it into my head that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. Yeah that's it. Let go and let God. Ok. Woosah.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Coats, Letters, Food and Laughter- - -
Just 10 days after I posted the open note to him it finally happened. Calvin asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes!
We had BIG plans for Saturday, November 27th. This was the day that we planned to go to my favorite restaurant, P.F. Changs, and then see Mike Epps' comedy show. Before we would head to the restaurant, we decided to play the Wii. We got caught up in the game and were a little late getting to the restaurant. This whole time he seemed a bit agitated and irritable so I tried not to say much. The last thing I wanted was for him to have an attitude and rain on the plans we made for the day. He said he was just hungry though and soon he'd be fine. He was right. We had a lovely dinner and continued with our plans. Right before the waitress brought the check he told me he had a letter. Now this guy isn't the letter writing type and sometimes I must admit it is really hard to tell when he's being serious. So I didn't believe him at first. Then he said "No really I wrote you a letter. Will you read it? I poured my heart and soul into it." I laughed...not knowing if he were serious or not. He then stated he was serious and pulled out a tightly folded piece of paper from his pocket. I hesitantly opened up the paper, not knowing what to expect. Then I found the words "Dear (insert my name), Will you be my girlfriend? -(insert his name) []yes []no []maybe" Just as happy as could be, I took my pen and wrote "Of Course!!!" underneath the word yes and then checked that box three times! I gave the letter back to him. He was elated. Then he told me to write the date and time on the letter. We're eventually going to make a scrapbook. :-)
So this couldn't have been any more perfect. He's the man I envision when I think of my perfect mate. He possesses all of the qualities I desperately want. He's by far not perfect but he's perfect for me....at least for right now. Who knows what the future may hold? All I know is that it was the perfect way to start a relationship. He's amazing.
~Romantiful
P.S. He bought me a really fly military style gray jacket. He likes me. . .a lot. *cheesing*
We had BIG plans for Saturday, November 27th. This was the day that we planned to go to my favorite restaurant, P.F. Changs, and then see Mike Epps' comedy show. Before we would head to the restaurant, we decided to play the Wii. We got caught up in the game and were a little late getting to the restaurant. This whole time he seemed a bit agitated and irritable so I tried not to say much. The last thing I wanted was for him to have an attitude and rain on the plans we made for the day. He said he was just hungry though and soon he'd be fine. He was right. We had a lovely dinner and continued with our plans. Right before the waitress brought the check he told me he had a letter. Now this guy isn't the letter writing type and sometimes I must admit it is really hard to tell when he's being serious. So I didn't believe him at first. Then he said "No really I wrote you a letter. Will you read it? I poured my heart and soul into it." I laughed...not knowing if he were serious or not. He then stated he was serious and pulled out a tightly folded piece of paper from his pocket. I hesitantly opened up the paper, not knowing what to expect. Then I found the words "Dear (insert my name), Will you be my girlfriend? -(insert his name) []yes []no []maybe" Just as happy as could be, I took my pen and wrote "Of Course!!!" underneath the word yes and then checked that box three times! I gave the letter back to him. He was elated. Then he told me to write the date and time on the letter. We're eventually going to make a scrapbook. :-)
So this couldn't have been any more perfect. He's the man I envision when I think of my perfect mate. He possesses all of the qualities I desperately want. He's by far not perfect but he's perfect for me....at least for right now. Who knows what the future may hold? All I know is that it was the perfect way to start a relationship. He's amazing.
~Romantiful
P.S. He bought me a really fly military style gray jacket. He likes me. . .a lot. *cheesing*
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Dear John...uhhh I mean Calvin- - -
I've been really struggling with my emotions these last couple of weeks. Perhaps it's because I have opened myself up so much and I feel so exposed that the slightest bit of rudeness makes me question everything that has been built over the last couple of months. I like Calvin I really do but this morning I woke up with the declaration I would start dating other people again on my mind. That's no good...at all. Either that's women's intuition telling me I should or maybe I'm just fed up with the gray area. Whatever it is, I've decided to write an open letter to Calvin. He probably will never see this but at least I'll get a chance to get these words out of my head and maybe just MAYBE someone can help me figure all of this ish out! So here it goes. . .
Dear Calvin,
I hope this letter finds you well. I've had tons to say to you lately but have been finding it hard to express myself for a number of reasons. So instead of saying these things in person, I have chosen to write you a letter (though it may not be four pages...lol).
Listen, I like you. It's that simple. You always say simplicity is genius. Well that my friend is the most genius thing I could say about my feelings for you. On a scale of 1-10, I like you a 12. As if I don't tell you enough, you are probably wondering why...why do I like you so much. Where would you like to start?! Shall I first talk about how gorgeously handsome you are and the smile you bring to my face when you walk into the room (especially when you do your "Idris Elba" walk)? Or how about your beautiful smile that lights up your whole face? This is the same smile that when worn affectionately has the power to make me melt in my shoes. Maybe it's the way you dance for me when you're about to get into the shower or changing your clothes for bed. Perhaps it's your muscular build that I should write LA Fitness about thanking them for helping you preserve your sexy. It's this same build that gives you the strength to curl me in a parking lot or toss me over your shoulder when we're playing or throw me on the bed as if you are making a statement or even that one time in the kitchen when you were holding me upside down...easily a position we could have dropped our clothes and had sex in. Speaking of sex, that turns me on too. You have this intuitive ability to make my body feel amazing. The oral sex is by far the best I've ever received. It's so good it makes me want to return the favor without any hesitation. (For once, I actually enjoy giving fellatio...Who knew?!?) You're so adventurous and explorative. You simply wish to make it as enjoyable for me as it is for you.
While the physical is always good, I must admit it's only about a fourth of the reason I like you a 12. Half of that reason is what makes you who you are. It's your intellect. Your ability to not get lost in any conversation we may have be it about politics, sports, medicine or business. There's never a dull moment in conversations with you. Besides your intellect, the one thing that makes me enjoy you the most is your personality. You are by far the funniest guy I've ever dated. I can truly appreciate this (and the fact that you think I'm the funniest girl you know helps...lol). We have more jokes than Kevin Hart, Mike Epps and Bruce Bruce all doing a comedy show in Las Vegas on NYE. We're always laughing....laughter is probably the one thing that keeps us together (for the lack of a better word). Besides your intellect and sense of humor, I know for a fact I would not be able to date you if you weren't as kind, passionate, intuitive, charming, respectful, responsible and empathetic.
While the physical and mental are majority of my reason for liking you, I can't forget the spiritual. There is something uber sexy about a man who knows without a doubt that he is a child of God and nothing nor anyone will come in between him and his relationship with his creator. It's amazing to listen to the stories about your involvement with the young boys in your church. Plus your speaking this week too. That means I'm not the only one who sees the light of God shining through you. Besides this, a man of God knows that he has a greater purpose on this Earth. He realizes that his life is not his own and gradually works to becoming a man capable enough of fostering a great relationship with his future wife and being able to take care of his children. He has visions and uses his goals to make those visions his reality. He understands his talents and does not let them go to waste. He is simply amazing...a true reflection of the Father is displayed in every action he takes and decision he makes.
I like you for all of the above stated reasons. I know that I tell you often how much I like you but rarely do I go into specifics. I've probably done it once really. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you or devalue what we have. Although all of these things come together to make you a wonderful person, I must admit there's one thing about your personality that I could really do without forever. You can be extremely rude...it's as if you can sense my weakness at any moment and simply attack it. This is where the riff raff has been coming the last couple of weeks.
I'm already vulnerable because I have put myself in a position of no power. I feel as if I submitted my emotions to you...I've taken my heart out and given it to you on a silver platter. And at times, I feel like you're just looking at it...as it turns cold. On those days you are being rude I honestly feel like you have dropped the platter and somehow managed to walk all over it. I feel defenseless...and broke. I know I shouldn't feel so strongly about a guy that's not even my boyfriend but I do. (Hell keeping it real....6 months into dating my last boyfriend I knew it was over. I was ready to call it quits but didn't because of fear.)
Anyway, all of this to say....what the hell are you waiting on!? I'm not ready to be married...I'm not. I'm just ready for you to make a verbal statement not just to me but for the rest of the world that I am the girl you have eyes for and the only way anyone can take those eyes away would be if they had more to offer than me and made you feel more special than I do. But then on the other hand, maybe you don't feel so strongly about me. Maybe I'm setting myself up to fail. All I know is that eventually if this isn't defined you might catch me in the streets trying to move away from these feelings I have displayed for you. I'll try to find someone else to build inside jokes with, to gaze into his eyes, to be my private dancer, to be my Cornel West, to go everywhere with and do everything while enjoying every minute of it. I will! *cue Beyonce song* Don't you ever for a minute think you're irreplaceable. lol
Okay well I hope I've given you a little bit of clarity into my feelings. Let me know what you're thinking. Thanks hun.
Sincerely,
Me.
Dear Calvin,
I hope this letter finds you well. I've had tons to say to you lately but have been finding it hard to express myself for a number of reasons. So instead of saying these things in person, I have chosen to write you a letter (though it may not be four pages...lol).
Listen, I like you. It's that simple. You always say simplicity is genius. Well that my friend is the most genius thing I could say about my feelings for you. On a scale of 1-10, I like you a 12. As if I don't tell you enough, you are probably wondering why...why do I like you so much. Where would you like to start?! Shall I first talk about how gorgeously handsome you are and the smile you bring to my face when you walk into the room (especially when you do your "Idris Elba" walk)? Or how about your beautiful smile that lights up your whole face? This is the same smile that when worn affectionately has the power to make me melt in my shoes. Maybe it's the way you dance for me when you're about to get into the shower or changing your clothes for bed. Perhaps it's your muscular build that I should write LA Fitness about thanking them for helping you preserve your sexy. It's this same build that gives you the strength to curl me in a parking lot or toss me over your shoulder when we're playing or throw me on the bed as if you are making a statement or even that one time in the kitchen when you were holding me upside down...easily a position we could have dropped our clothes and had sex in. Speaking of sex, that turns me on too. You have this intuitive ability to make my body feel amazing. The oral sex is by far the best I've ever received. It's so good it makes me want to return the favor without any hesitation. (For once, I actually enjoy giving fellatio...Who knew?!?) You're so adventurous and explorative. You simply wish to make it as enjoyable for me as it is for you.
While the physical is always good, I must admit it's only about a fourth of the reason I like you a 12. Half of that reason is what makes you who you are. It's your intellect. Your ability to not get lost in any conversation we may have be it about politics, sports, medicine or business. There's never a dull moment in conversations with you. Besides your intellect, the one thing that makes me enjoy you the most is your personality. You are by far the funniest guy I've ever dated. I can truly appreciate this (and the fact that you think I'm the funniest girl you know helps...lol). We have more jokes than Kevin Hart, Mike Epps and Bruce Bruce all doing a comedy show in Las Vegas on NYE. We're always laughing....laughter is probably the one thing that keeps us together (for the lack of a better word). Besides your intellect and sense of humor, I know for a fact I would not be able to date you if you weren't as kind, passionate, intuitive, charming, respectful, responsible and empathetic.
While the physical and mental are majority of my reason for liking you, I can't forget the spiritual. There is something uber sexy about a man who knows without a doubt that he is a child of God and nothing nor anyone will come in between him and his relationship with his creator. It's amazing to listen to the stories about your involvement with the young boys in your church. Plus your speaking this week too. That means I'm not the only one who sees the light of God shining through you. Besides this, a man of God knows that he has a greater purpose on this Earth. He realizes that his life is not his own and gradually works to becoming a man capable enough of fostering a great relationship with his future wife and being able to take care of his children. He has visions and uses his goals to make those visions his reality. He understands his talents and does not let them go to waste. He is simply amazing...a true reflection of the Father is displayed in every action he takes and decision he makes.
I like you for all of the above stated reasons. I know that I tell you often how much I like you but rarely do I go into specifics. I've probably done it once really. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you or devalue what we have. Although all of these things come together to make you a wonderful person, I must admit there's one thing about your personality that I could really do without forever. You can be extremely rude...it's as if you can sense my weakness at any moment and simply attack it. This is where the riff raff has been coming the last couple of weeks.
I'm already vulnerable because I have put myself in a position of no power. I feel as if I submitted my emotions to you...I've taken my heart out and given it to you on a silver platter. And at times, I feel like you're just looking at it...as it turns cold. On those days you are being rude I honestly feel like you have dropped the platter and somehow managed to walk all over it. I feel defenseless...and broke. I know I shouldn't feel so strongly about a guy that's not even my boyfriend but I do. (Hell keeping it real....6 months into dating my last boyfriend I knew it was over. I was ready to call it quits but didn't because of fear.)
Anyway, all of this to say....what the hell are you waiting on!? I'm not ready to be married...I'm not. I'm just ready for you to make a verbal statement not just to me but for the rest of the world that I am the girl you have eyes for and the only way anyone can take those eyes away would be if they had more to offer than me and made you feel more special than I do. But then on the other hand, maybe you don't feel so strongly about me. Maybe I'm setting myself up to fail. All I know is that eventually if this isn't defined you might catch me in the streets trying to move away from these feelings I have displayed for you. I'll try to find someone else to build inside jokes with, to gaze into his eyes, to be my private dancer, to be my Cornel West, to go everywhere with and do everything while enjoying every minute of it. I will! *cue Beyonce song* Don't you ever for a minute think you're irreplaceable. lol
Okay well I hope I've given you a little bit of clarity into my feelings. Let me know what you're thinking. Thanks hun.
Sincerely,
Me.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Pendulum- - -
One of the few definitions for the word pendulum is "something that changes its position, attitude, etc fairly regularly". As a result, that word is an excellent word that perfectly describes something that has been plaguing my relationships as I know it. . .my mood swings. While all of my relationships have been affected, I will only discuss my most recent occurrences of my devil living within.
It seems as if my mood swings has been a topic of discussion quite frequently in the past week or so. The first time it came up I was skyping one of my little sisters, who I often affectionately call my daughter. We were discussing my "situation" with Calvin. She asked why we weren't gf/bf yet and I told her I didn't know. I knew I wasn't going to bring it up but I was ready. She asked if I had relayed that message to him, if he knew without a doubt that I liked him and wanted to be with him. Well he does, I answered. She asked if I was sure because as she put it "your mood swings can make you hard to read." I laughed it off and tried not to pay any attention to it. Just a couple of days later, I was in Atlanta catching up with one of my close friends and somehow she started talking about my mood swings as well. I forget exactly what was said or how it came up but I remember discussing it.
And just last night, Calvin and I had a talk about my mood swings. He told me that I was an emotional roller coaster and that he couldn't put up with it. Yes, I was in a mood so that made it even worse. What? Was he trying to end this (whatever this is) right then right there?!?! I became even more annoying and moody. It wasn't a good look. Then all I could think about was how he said he couldn't put up with who I am. It truly hurt my feelings since I really like this guy. I see the potential for a great relationship with him. I think we compliment each other well and everything. I had been sensitive, yes. My mood had changed, yes. But this was not how I planned to act for the rest of the night. He later told me that when I get like "that" I'm no fun to be around. (It's not the first time I heard that.) We went on with the night trying to act our normal selves but it wouldn't work. It was clear that I was thinking too much and it was obvious he wasn't enjoying himself with me. I wanted to go home right then and I should have. Too bad I didn't. We went to bed, without sex (which he turned down....and he never does that). I tried to cuddle during the night and he wouldn't let up. At one point I believe he pushed me away. Not a good look. I couldn't sleep at all. Around 5 am, I woke up. After trying to go back to sleep every 10 minutes, I decided to just leave his house at 6 am, which is about 30 minutes earlier than usual. I put my clothes on...went to kiss him goodbye and he would not move. He stuck his hand out and I tapped it. That was it....I won't see him again possibly until next Wednesday. He's going to his homecoming this weekend. And that's how we said goodbye!
So now I've been thinking about this whole thing. My mood swings. My emotions. My sensitivity. These are all some of my character traits that I absolutely can't stand about myself. Sometimes I do get in these funks and sulk. Sometimes I can be really rude and mean. Sometimes I don't feel like being bothered. But how can I continue to let these flaws affect my relationships so greatly!?!?! Those closest to me have learned to just not say anything when I am going through my moods. They stay away and don't take it personal.
While these are some of my character flaws, I will say that I am generally happy 98% of the time. It's that 2% that's just so volatile that many can't and choose not to put up with. I really wish I could control these emotions....at least long enough for Calvin to learn me better and realize that they aren't who I am. I wish that I could rid myself of the pendulum moods. They have affected way too many relationships and I'm sick of it. Please someone help me before I lose a good thing.
~Romantiful
It seems as if my mood swings has been a topic of discussion quite frequently in the past week or so. The first time it came up I was skyping one of my little sisters, who I often affectionately call my daughter. We were discussing my "situation" with Calvin. She asked why we weren't gf/bf yet and I told her I didn't know. I knew I wasn't going to bring it up but I was ready. She asked if I had relayed that message to him, if he knew without a doubt that I liked him and wanted to be with him. Well he does, I answered. She asked if I was sure because as she put it "your mood swings can make you hard to read." I laughed it off and tried not to pay any attention to it. Just a couple of days later, I was in Atlanta catching up with one of my close friends and somehow she started talking about my mood swings as well. I forget exactly what was said or how it came up but I remember discussing it.
And just last night, Calvin and I had a talk about my mood swings. He told me that I was an emotional roller coaster and that he couldn't put up with it. Yes, I was in a mood so that made it even worse. What? Was he trying to end this (whatever this is) right then right there?!?! I became even more annoying and moody. It wasn't a good look. Then all I could think about was how he said he couldn't put up with who I am. It truly hurt my feelings since I really like this guy. I see the potential for a great relationship with him. I think we compliment each other well and everything. I had been sensitive, yes. My mood had changed, yes. But this was not how I planned to act for the rest of the night. He later told me that when I get like "that" I'm no fun to be around. (It's not the first time I heard that.) We went on with the night trying to act our normal selves but it wouldn't work. It was clear that I was thinking too much and it was obvious he wasn't enjoying himself with me. I wanted to go home right then and I should have. Too bad I didn't. We went to bed, without sex (which he turned down....and he never does that). I tried to cuddle during the night and he wouldn't let up. At one point I believe he pushed me away. Not a good look. I couldn't sleep at all. Around 5 am, I woke up. After trying to go back to sleep every 10 minutes, I decided to just leave his house at 6 am, which is about 30 minutes earlier than usual. I put my clothes on...went to kiss him goodbye and he would not move. He stuck his hand out and I tapped it. That was it....I won't see him again possibly until next Wednesday. He's going to his homecoming this weekend. And that's how we said goodbye!
So now I've been thinking about this whole thing. My mood swings. My emotions. My sensitivity. These are all some of my character traits that I absolutely can't stand about myself. Sometimes I do get in these funks and sulk. Sometimes I can be really rude and mean. Sometimes I don't feel like being bothered. But how can I continue to let these flaws affect my relationships so greatly!?!?! Those closest to me have learned to just not say anything when I am going through my moods. They stay away and don't take it personal.
While these are some of my character flaws, I will say that I am generally happy 98% of the time. It's that 2% that's just so volatile that many can't and choose not to put up with. I really wish I could control these emotions....at least long enough for Calvin to learn me better and realize that they aren't who I am. I wish that I could rid myself of the pendulum moods. They have affected way too many relationships and I'm sick of it. Please someone help me before I lose a good thing.
~Romantiful
Friday, October 15, 2010
THE "Title"- - -
Though I've never been much of a Ciara fan, I can say that there are some songs that get me every time. Her first album wasn't too bad and as a college freshman it seemed as if most of the songs could relate to something in some way or another. That being said, I have been recently thinking of one song in particular that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's called "The Title". The chorus goes like this "I want the title/
I wanna be known as your girl/ I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend/ So let a girl come in your world/ I wanna be your lady." Then, I used to spend a lot of time singing it to my then on and off again boyfriend who conveniently went to school in Ithaca while I was in Atlanta. Looking back on it, it made absolutely no sense why I would want him to be my boyfriend. We were both two college freshmen in two totally different cities living two absolutely different lives. But I was lovestruck and nothing made me happier than knowing that he was all mine. That's what I thought the title would guarantee....that he'd never cheat or flirt and that even though we'd only see each other twice a year that he'd manage to claim me at all times. Dumb! Just dumb I tell you.
Six years later and twenty years wiser, I realize that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. So that brings me to my reason for writing this post. I've been seeing Calvin for almost six months now. We've been dating since the Wednesday after we met and we haven't stopped since. We've pretty much talked on the phone everyday except for the small drought that we experienced during my birthday weekend.He was being a complete dick. Yet and still, that was a mere day and a half of not speaking in some way. Nothing major like a week or two. We've seen each other at least two times a week. It's been more frequent recently though. I introduced him to my family Labor Day weekend, which was no small feat for me. We actually spent all of Labor Day weekend together. We learned so much about each other that weekend on top of learning that we could spend countless hours together without sex and not get sick of each other. Amazing! Last weekend we took a trip to Niagara Falls. It was my first trip with a boy. (Yes, I do realize that I am a late bloomer in all things love but please excuse my tardiness.) So now we've spent two weekends together. We've met each other's families. We plan events ahead of time. We date weekly. We talk daily. We email everyday, all day...literally. However, this guy is NOT my boyfriend. I have no title. I technically can't get mad if he dates other girls and vice versa. We have no obligation to each other.
So what's the problem you ask?!?! You might say "But Romantiful, you get the perks without the commitment so if he messes up one day you can just go out with someone else. No hard feelings." WRONG! I would have hard feelings. I like this boy. A lot. It kind of sickens me because in my heart of hearts I wish I were able to multi-task with men. I can't. My heart is made to like only one male at a time. It's hard enough for me to date multiple people in the beginning but to be damn near 6 months in with one and 1 month in with another I just can't do. Actually, I don't understand how anyone could. If you are still frequently talking to and dating one person after six months, then how can you date others? Feelings have emerged.
At this point in my life, I have to really think about relationships before I set foot in one. I won't even date a guy if I couldn't see us getting married. It's kind of like what's the point. I don't need you to be my sponsor. If I'm dating you, it's because at some point I want to have a family and build an effective long-lasting relationship and you just might be my suitor. So for me, relationships are the means of helping me figure out if myself and this person could last long term. I want the commitment to see if given no distractions could you stay faithful to me while continuing to make me happy and laugh and still accomplish your goals too. It's a huge feat. That's why after college, relationships are not something to play with. It's no longer about me giving you a title because it looks good....it's about how it feels. Are you happy with this person? Does this person have most of the attributes you want? Will this person steadily seek to improve his or herself while helping you grow as well? It's deep man! And I'm just trying not to drown. LOL! ha ha
Anyway, all that to say, I think I'm ready for a title from Calvin. I like him. A lot. (Though I think I told you that already. lmao) I've thought about us and where we could be and that alone makes me happy. We're similar but yet different. We have enough to bring to the table and room to learn. He possesses most of the qualities I'd like in a potential mate. He's God-fearing, intelligent, handsome, hilarious, witty, physically fit, emotionally sound, financially savvy, private but still open, understanding, knowledgeable, loves to travel and has no problems doing what it takes to make me happy. I really couldn't ask for anything else.(Except I'd probably ask him to cut the sarcastic remarks when I'm trying to be serious.) So I've analyzed all of this in the past couple of days and now I'm at the point where I don't want to share him with anyone else. I want him all to myself. I want to see where this thing will take us. I have a positive feeling about this one. I'm just hoping he feels the same way.
~Romantiful
P.S. I know I like him a lot because my Homecoming is coming up next weekend and I have no thoughts or intentions on messing with any other guys. NONE! Crazy...I know.
I wanna be known as your girl/ I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend/ So let a girl come in your world/ I wanna be your lady." Then, I used to spend a lot of time singing it to my then on and off again boyfriend who conveniently went to school in Ithaca while I was in Atlanta. Looking back on it, it made absolutely no sense why I would want him to be my boyfriend. We were both two college freshmen in two totally different cities living two absolutely different lives. But I was lovestruck and nothing made me happier than knowing that he was all mine. That's what I thought the title would guarantee....that he'd never cheat or flirt and that even though we'd only see each other twice a year that he'd manage to claim me at all times. Dumb! Just dumb I tell you.
Six years later and twenty years wiser, I realize that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. So that brings me to my reason for writing this post. I've been seeing Calvin for almost six months now. We've been dating since the Wednesday after we met and we haven't stopped since. We've pretty much talked on the phone everyday except for the small drought that we experienced during my birthday weekend.
So what's the problem you ask?!?! You might say "But Romantiful, you get the perks without the commitment so if he messes up one day you can just go out with someone else. No hard feelings." WRONG! I would have hard feelings. I like this boy. A lot. It kind of sickens me because in my heart of hearts I wish I were able to multi-task with men. I can't. My heart is made to like only one male at a time. It's hard enough for me to date multiple people in the beginning but to be damn near 6 months in with one and 1 month in with another I just can't do. Actually, I don't understand how anyone could. If you are still frequently talking to and dating one person after six months, then how can you date others? Feelings have emerged.
At this point in my life, I have to really think about relationships before I set foot in one. I won't even date a guy if I couldn't see us getting married. It's kind of like what's the point. I don't need you to be my sponsor. If I'm dating you, it's because at some point I want to have a family and build an effective long-lasting relationship and you just might be my suitor. So for me, relationships are the means of helping me figure out if myself and this person could last long term. I want the commitment to see if given no distractions could you stay faithful to me while continuing to make me happy and laugh and still accomplish your goals too. It's a huge feat. That's why after college, relationships are not something to play with. It's no longer about me giving you a title because it looks good....it's about how it feels. Are you happy with this person? Does this person have most of the attributes you want? Will this person steadily seek to improve his or herself while helping you grow as well? It's deep man! And I'm just trying not to drown. LOL! ha ha
Anyway, all that to say, I think I'm ready for a title from Calvin. I like him. A lot. (Though I think I told you that already. lmao) I've thought about us and where we could be and that alone makes me happy. We're similar but yet different. We have enough to bring to the table and room to learn. He possesses most of the qualities I'd like in a potential mate. He's God-fearing, intelligent, handsome, hilarious, witty, physically fit, emotionally sound, financially savvy, private but still open, understanding, knowledgeable, loves to travel and has no problems doing what it takes to make me happy. I really couldn't ask for anything else.
~Romantiful
P.S. I know I like him a lot because my Homecoming is coming up next weekend and I have no thoughts or intentions on messing with any other guys. NONE! Crazy...I know.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A Month of Love
It's been forever since I've updated this thing. There's been so much going on that I just haven't had the time. BUT I'M BACK SNITCHES!!!!! There's just so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. So since I'm at work, I have to keep it short and I'll update you on the most pressing news.
Remember my post about Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate"??? In that post, I said "I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged. :-/ " Ironically enough, even though I hadn't talked to him in a minute I still could sense that something was up. I later saw pictures of his then girlfriend (now fiance') on facebook flashing her ring in her profile picture. When I initially saw it, I was distraught. I cried for at least an hour. I was very very very depressed. Was it true??? Were they really engaged??? Or was she the type to just wear a ring on that finger on THAT hand???? I needed answers SO. . .I called him. He and I talked a few times that day. Eventually I asked him about this potential engagement. I lied and said I had dreamed about it.I didn't want him to know I was a facebook stalker. He laughed and said "If I were engaged, you'd be one of the first people I'd tell." I'm usually good at picking up on bull crap but this time it slipped my radar. Maybe I just wanted to believe that he didn't actually love her and they couldn't actually be together...FOREVER!
Lo and behold, not too long after that I saw she changed her relationship status to "ENGAGED"....on facebook, any relationship status other than single warrants some excessive comments. I went through the pictures and of course....I should have known....this negro lied to me! They were indeed engaged and had been so since the beginning of August! Amazing! I had become so jaded by this man that I believed everything he told me.
Instead of moping about it, I decided it was time to release him from my life so I sent him an email entitled "Last Contact". The email simply said,
I wanted to respond to the stalker thing but that would have been too easy. So on another note, at least we're done with that. I hope he does change his life around. I don't know her but I do know that any woman that stands by a guy like that deserves the best. I truly do wish them nothing but eternal bliss and happiness to get them through the roughest of days.
Coincidentally enough, I don't feel like I thought I would feel as described in my previous post. I'm actually quite glad he and I didn't work out. I deserve better. He can be a great guy but I was definitely making excuses for him and his actions, attempting to make his situation work for me. I've learned that when it's my time, it's my time. In the meantime, I will play, frolic and enjoy this emotional rollercoaster called love.
~Romantiful
Remember my post about Brian aka "Mr. Soulmate"??? In that post, I said "I'm actually waiting for the email/text from him that says he's engaged. :-/ " Ironically enough, even though I hadn't talked to him in a minute I still could sense that something was up. I later saw pictures of his then girlfriend (now fiance') on facebook flashing her ring in her profile picture. When I initially saw it, I was distraught. I cried for at least an hour. I was very very very depressed. Was it true??? Were they really engaged??? Or was she the type to just wear a ring on that finger on THAT hand???? I needed answers SO. . .I called him. He and I talked a few times that day. Eventually I asked him about this potential engagement. I lied and said I had dreamed about it.
Lo and behold, not too long after that I saw she changed her relationship status to "ENGAGED"....on facebook, any relationship status other than single warrants some excessive comments. I went through the pictures and of course....I should have known....this negro lied to me! They were indeed engaged and had been so since the beginning of August! Amazing! I had become so jaded by this man that I believed everything he told me.
Instead of moping about it, I decided it was time to release him from my life so I sent him an email entitled "Last Contact". The email simply said,
"I hope this email finds you well. I want you to know that the world is so small and with the addition of social networking it's at least ten times smaller. As I was browsing facebook at work, (insert gf's name here)'s page came up because we have a few mutual friends. Though I usually ignore such things because I don't usually know the person (or if I do, I'd rather not add them in the first place), I decided to click on her name. I was able to view her profile pics and it looks like you've been engaged since at least August. Wow. What a contradictory statement to the one you made when I asked you if you were a little while ago. I also sent you a text about this but you didn't respond...go figure. However, today I will be deleting numbers from my phone and yours is one of them. It was fun while it lasted. I can't say that I have any regrets. Well, maybe. . .I probably would have cut it off like I anticipated back in January. I was so stupid about the whole thing. Oh well....you live and you learn. It looks like I served as a means of letting you know that she's the one for you. I'd be interested in knowing how you came to that decision. How did you realize you finally wanted to get married? How did you propose? You know....all that jazz. I wish to know these things simply because I'm a romantic and any love story is interesting to me.I felt good after sending this email. I had released myself of any feelings I still had for this man. I didn't even anticipate an email back. I thought maybe. . .just maybe he might feel like a douche bag and not respond. Fooled me. He replied and it said,
Although I'm interested, I do question the validity of the whole thing. Initially, I had thoughts of sending her pics and texts you sent so that she'd know that you weren't all you said you were. But those are just extreme thoughts that I would never turn into actions since I respect you. Plus, I don't believe if I sent her something she'd believe me or want to leave you. Additionally, getting married is probably one of the best decisions you could make. I'd hope you'd respect the institution of marriage set forth by God and His church so much so as to never engage in the cheating behaviors you have so repeatedly done in the past.
All in all, I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors and your life pursuits. I wish we could have continued our friendship but maybe we'll catch up at some random place 50 years down the line...just to say hello. Congratulations on everything. It's been real."
I wanted to respond to the stalker thing but that would have been too easy. So on another note, at least we're done with that. I hope he does change his life around. I don't know her but I do know that any woman that stands by a guy like that deserves the best. I truly do wish them nothing but eternal bliss and happiness to get them through the roughest of days.
"Hey there
Actually it was in mid August. Maybe right before the last time I spoke to you. I was going to tell then, but . . . . .I don't know. When you sent the text, I think we were out of town. But this is definatlly for the best. I was feeling like I was spreading myself thin. No need in going into a long explaination. We've been through this many times before. However, I don't think you give me enough credit for my analytical thinking or reasoning. I wouldn't enter into something this with the intent of entertainig another (insert my age and alma mater here) grad. I still say that our timing sucked. NO regrets. I still think you are an amazing young woman (a bit of a stalker no less). So yeah, good luck on everything. You deserve the best."
Coincidentally enough, I don't feel like I thought I would feel as described in my previous post. I'm actually quite glad he and I didn't work out. I deserve better. He can be a great guy but I was definitely making excuses for him and his actions, attempting to make his situation work for me. I've learned that when it's my time, it's my time. In the meantime, I will play, frolic and enjoy this emotional rollercoaster called love.
~Romantiful
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